Fortune telling techniques to impress and terrify your friends

The Oujia Board was invented in the early 1900s by a businessman looking to make a buck off of the Spiritualism movement.  It's now owned by the people behind ‘My Little Pony’ and ‘Monopoly’, but is still considered to be a one-way ticket to demonic possession.  (Jmawork/Flickr Creative Commons) 

We all want to know our futures. Whether we’ll do well on a test, know who our future spouse will be, or when the campuses buses will ACTUALLY arrive. Though such predictions may be out of our reach, you can use these easy fortune telling techniques to clear your path to the future! All of these methods can be used safely at home or in your dorm, using nothing more than tea, a pack of cards, books and other easily-obtainable objects. The future may be unknown, but it doesn’t have to be for you!


Disclaimer: None of these techniques have ever actually been proven to work. The Daily Campus is not responsible for any losses occurring due to your reliance on pseudo scientific clairvoyance techniques. Please gaze into the swirling unknown vortex of the tumultuous future responsibly.

Tasseomancy:

The art of fortune telling through tea leaves and coffee grinds is well known through movies such as “Harry Potter” and “Coraline”. The actual technique varies, though the general gist is that you make a cup of tea with loose leaves (you can rip open a tea bag if you wish) and drink the liquid. Once the cup has been drained, the remaining leaves sticking to the cup can be analyzed for meaningful images that lay in your future. Some images are straightforward; a ring may mean an upcoming proposal or meeting a future spouse. Others are a little more metaphorical; for example, a snake may symbolize deception or betrayal. There are several symbol dictionaries online for the sole purpose of divining through tea-leaves. (If you aren’t a tea person, you can try this with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.)

Bibliomancy:

The technique of reading the future through books. It’s fairly simple: You grab a book at random, open it to a random page and whatever passage your eyes fall on will be relevant to your future. Now, this method has its ups and downs. The Bible was a popular medium for this technique in the past, though any book can be used. Results may vary, especially if you use something like a car manual. If you use it on a textbook, at the very least you’ll get some studying done.

Cartomancy:

Tarot cards are the standard trope for telling the future, though any old pack of playing cards will do. Shuffle the deck and divide it into three roughly equal piles, face-down. Then, choose one pile and select three cards from the top, placing them in a row. The first card represents your past, the second your present and the third your future. The different suits and values hold different meanings; a three of hearts represents celebration and friends, while a ten of spades spells doom and destruction. If you get a Vulshok Sorcerer, then it means you’re using your roommate's “Magic: The Gathering” deck and should probably keep your stuff more organized.

Ceromancy:

This requires fire, so don’t try this in a dorm. A stick candle is lit and the wax that melts is allowed to drip into a basin of cold water. The shapes the wax drippings create supposedly hold symbols for your future. Like tasseomancy, the symbols can be interpreted in several different ways, depending on which book/online site you consult. Just don’t attempt this in Torrey Life Sciences Building.

Palmistry:

Analyzing a person’s character and destiny by looking at the lines on their palms. Certain lines and areas have names such as the Mound of Venus and the Life Line. The Heart Line, for example, determines what your relationships are like based on how long it is, its depth, and so on. There are people that call themselves ‘palmistry experts’ that you can pay to analyze your hands. If you do this, then an important aspect of your character is revealed: you are very, very gullible.

Paper Fortune Teller:

If you’re nostalgic, then you can take a trip back to your elementary school days and make one of those paper fortune-teller thingies that all the girls giggled over at recess (also known as ‘cootie catchers’). These are fairly easy to fold and to make. As for the fortunes inside, keep them kind of vague and noncommittal, like, ‘you will encounter a surprise soon’ so that confirmation bias will make your friends think you’re some sort of wizard.

And a couple I don’t recommend….

Gastromancy:

Originating from the Greeks, this is the psychic equivalent of that one guy on your dorm floor that does really gross tricks involving farts. Essentially, the clairvoyant issues messages to the spirits of the dead by speaking in a ‘deep, resonating voice,’ by talking through the gurgling and rumbling in their stomach. Why spirits would want to hear messages like that is beyond me. The most you’re gonna get from this is some weird looks and a case of heartburn.

Ouija Boards:

First of all: This technique isn’t actually as ancient or sacred as you may have been told. It was actually invented in the early 1900s by a businessman looking to make a buck off of the Spiritualism movement. It’s now owned by Hasbro. That’s right, the people behind ‘My Little Pony’ and ‘Monopoly’ are the same people who make Ouija Boards. That, and if horror movies are to be believed, then using one of these things is a one-way ticket to demonic possession. Why take the risk? You’re better off trying to scry the afterlife with a game of “Hungry Hungry Hippos.”


Marlese Lessing is a staff writer for The Daily Campus. She can be reached via email at marlese.lessing@uconn.edu. She tweets @marlese_lessing.