Two movie ideas that need to be made
1. Courtship of Charlie Manson and the fiance he met while in jail
Starring Sean Connery as 80-year-old Charlie Manson and Rooney Mara as his 27-year-old fiance, Star.
We open on Charlie Manson yelling gibberish in his jail cell. A rap on the door followed by, “Phone call for you Mr. Manson.” Manson is confused; he hasn’t received a call since Abe Lincoln called him a few months back. No matter, he takes the call. It’s 16-year-old Manson super-fan Afton Burton. Manson is dumbstruck by the beauty of her voice and a budding relationship begins.
She begins calling him everyday and visiting him on weekends. The two get engaged and make plans for the future. A honeymoon through plexiglass—there’s no more beautiful kind of honeymoon in Manson’s opinion—but there’s trouble in maximum security paradise. News surfaces that Afton, now known as Star (because that’s normal), is really courting Manson in hopes of embalming his body and charging people money to see his remains, Vladimir Lenin-style. Manson is initially disappointed, but, since he is immortal and will never die, he gets the last laugh. The two brush off the whole thing and remain friends, living happily ever after (forever).
Why This Will Be a Hit:
Every crazy thing in that plot summary, besides the Abe Lincoln part, is true according to a Christopher Hooton article in The Independent. A woman tried to court Charlie Manson in order to get the rights to his body and make money from displaying the corpse. That is true American capitalism at its most innovative. Why the hell not try and make money off displaying a famous person’s corpse? Foolproof plan. But I question the choice of famous person. I’m not sure Charlie Manson, swastika-tattooed forehead and all, is the biggest draw in the corpse viewing business. I could be wrong, that is not my area of expertise.
Manson also really thinks he can live forever which is the least surprising part of the story and an opinion I actually respect. You might as well think you can’t die because, when you do die, nobody can tell you you’re wrong, because you’re dead. Taken as a whole, that is the most insane story I have ever heard and one that needs to be told to the masses. Getting this project greenlit would be a problem. Connery might be tough to book seeing as he retired from showbiz over a decade ago and a Charlie Manson rom/com is a hard elevator pitch in this climate of sequels and superheroes. But “The Snowman” was made, so anything is possible. Also the movie would be scored by Hanz Zimmer.
2. Fast Five from the Perspective of a Local Rio de Janeiro Resident
Genre: Disaster/Horror Movie
Starring: John Krasinski as Rio Native
Perennial Average Joe, John Krasinski is a working stiff in a middling paper company in downtown Rio. How this middling paper company affords office space in downtown Rio is not explained, nor is the fact that Krasinski is the least Brazilian looking person possible.
Krasinski’s character, let’s just call him “Jim,” is walking back from an extended lunch break (classic Jim). While crossing the street, he hears a rumbling from far off, the rumbling gets louder, and suddenly two cars peel around the corner towing a goddamn bank vault that is tumbling and spinning in his direction! Jim nimbly jumps to the ground, under the cables, between the cars and vault, just barely avoiding certain death. The vault proceeds to smash into the building where he was just getting lunch, completely destroying the first floor of the building, and we have a bonafide mass murder courtesy of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.
Now Jim, safe from the “good guys” of Fast Five, brushes himself off and gives a snide smirk to camera as if to say, “Well that was weird but all my dreams have been crushed by this paper company so I don’t really care about anything anymore,” and he goes back to his office. On his commute back to his apartment that evening, Jim is crossing a bridge when Diesel and Walker show up again and take out half the Rio police force, and almost murder him for a second time. The moral of the story is don’t trust anyone with the word Diesel in their name to operate a motor vehicle responsibly.
Why This Will Be a Hit:
The number of innocent lives lost in the final scene of “Fast Five” is staggering and needs to be addressed.
Teddy Craven is a campus correspondent for The Daily Campus. He can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.