Are you sick of hearing the same Christmas songs over and over? Do you enjoy bad music? Do you want to torture yourself or the people around you? If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, I’ve got a playlist for you!
Jingle Bells - Jingle Dogs
No, this is not the “Jingle Bells” we all know and love. This is far worse. This is “Jingle Bells” being barked by real life dogs instead of being sung by a human. I love dogs, I’m a dog person, but I do not want to listen to dogs barking in the tune of Christmas songs. There is actually entire album titled “Puppy Holidays” available on Spotify that is literally just 25 Christmas songs being barked by dogs. Why does this exist? Who took the time to make this? I couldn’t tell you.
The Christmas Shoes - NewSong
For anyone who doesn’t know, this song tells the story of a poor little boy who can’t afford to buy his dying mother shoes for Christmas. Happy, uplifting songs that get you in the holiday spirit are what Christmas is all about. There’s some songs that are on the slow side or maybe a little sad (think “Blue Christmas”) that are perfectly acceptable. But not this. This song is depressing as hell and will quickly kill any Christmas spirit you have within you.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - Elmo & Patsy
First of all, this song is incredibly annoying. Second of all, why is it making a joke out of a grandma literally being killed in a freak accident? Grandmas are pure and wonderful, and they do not deserve to be disrespected by this awful song.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside - Dean Martin
Maybe this song was acceptable in the 1940’s when it was written, and I’m not gonna lie it’s pretty catchy and kind of a classic, but if you actually listen to the lyrics it is very disturbing. For example, “My sister will be suspicious/Gosh your lips look delicious.” This woman is basically begging to leave but is being forced to sleep over some guy’s house because he doesn’t want her to leave and is using the weather as an excuse. Someone please help her.
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas - Gayla Peevey
The lyrics to this song are ridiculous. What kid has ever asked for a hippo for Christmas? This song is too annoying to be taken seriously. As a kid this might not be too bad to listen to, but as an adult I cannot handle it.
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth - The Chipmunks
This is just another incredibly irritating children’s Christmas song that cannot be tolerated more than once a year. Enough said.
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
To start, this song says the words “ding dong” 12 times. If you google the lyrics, it doesn’t even seem like it could possibly be a real song. For example, “Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding/Oo-oo-oo-oo/Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo/Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo, doo” are actual real lyrics in this song. Also, the weird techno beat in the background could only have been created by someone tripping on acid.
Nuttin’ For Christmas - Stan Freberg
Oh look, another incredibly annoying song sung by a child that could only be enjoyed by 10 year olds, in case two wasn’t enough.
Santa Baby- Eartha Kitt
This song is just super weird. Why is she flirting with Santa Claus? Listening to this song takes away some of the innocence associated with Christmas. Santa is not your sugar daddy, honey.
Christmas Tree - Lady Gaga
This is literally a Christmas song about sex. It’s horrifying. All I want for Christmas is for people to stop sexualizing this holiday. I listened to this thinking it would be about a real Christmas tree and ended up being pretty disturbed when I figured out “Christmas tree” is just figurative speech for… something else.
Melissa Scrivani is a staff writer for The Daily Campus. She can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.