Dear Daily: Scared my boyfriend will transfer

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Dear Daily,

So, recently I have found out something terrible about my boyfriend. The other day, I was heading to his room (because we live in the same building) and his door was cracked open a little bit. I know this is probably awful but I overheard him on the phone with his mom and he was talking about how he didn't think UConn was the college for him! We are both freshman and we just got here. He hasn't even given it chance. I am just so nervous he is going to decide to leave and we will end up breaking up because of how far away he might end up being. I don't know what to do because the minute I walked into his room, he hung up the phone with his mom and didn't mention anything about it to me. I want to bring it up but I know I shouldn't have eavesdropped on his conversation with his mom. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Hmm, this is a tough question. So there are a few things I’d like to address here.

First, it’s not totally your fault that you overheard the conversation, but maybe there was more to it than just what you heard? Maybe he didn’t mean it? Or, maybe he did mean it – and even though this might feel like the worst thing in the world, that would be okay. It has been almost a full five weeks since the start of the semester, which is a decent amount of time to get to know UConn. If he truly doesn’t like it here, then you should support him in his decision to go somewhere that will make him happy. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or your relationship, but college is about finding yourself and doing things that will benefit you as an individual for your entire life. Both of you should want the best for each other, even if that means being in different places for a few years.

Second, let me try to put your mind at ease – I have some personal experience with this. My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts, and we both started at UConn as freshmen. But he graduated early last year – so I’m here for my senior year without him, almost three hours away. On one hand, it was great having him here and always being so close by, but it was sometimes hard to live separate lives since we were always together. I don’t at all regret being at UConn with him, but once he graduated and went onto his first job, we were able to work on ourselves separately while still staying together. Was it hard at first? For sure. Is it still hard? Of course! But we trust in our relationship and we both wanted to make it work, and we’re still very happy together! If your boyfriend goes to a different school (which may not even be that far away, don’t jump to conclusions yet!), it doesn’t mean your relationship automatically has to end. If you’re both willing to make it work, then go for it! Even my sister and her boyfriend started college at different schools, and they’re making it work as well. So, even if it feels like it, all hope is not lost.

Third, I’m sure he’s still pondering over this dilemma. Maybe he hasn’t told you yet because he’s not sure if he actually wants to leave? Or maybe he’s afraid of the same things you are? If you want to bring this up, simply ask him how things are going. How his classes are, if he’s joined any clubs, if he likes it here. There’s no harm in having that conversation. Just be prepared for what he might say…you can tell him how you feel, of course, but also be understanding about it.

I can’t tell you how to convince him to stay, and you won’t know his true feelings until you discuss with him. I know this change could be sad and scary but it doesn’t have to be! If he leaves, take it as a challenge, not an automatic defeat. Relationships are meant to be tested sometimes.  And if you both love each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work, trust me.

All the best,

The Daily Campus