Dating is weird these days. As I look out at the sea that is the University of Connecticut, and more broadly young people across the United States, the way we’ve revolutionized how relationships work in the past few years has been dizzying. This isn’t meant to be a “Gen Z killed love and romance” article, as older people often write about this generation, but rather a step back to look at the normalization of certain changes into Gen Z dating culture and their roots. Specifically, this is about the concept of being “nonchalant”, a word used to describe people in relationships being emotionally turned off and careless, yet still cool and put together. It’s a way of connecting with other people that is all about not letting them see you shaken up or putting too much in, and it is perfectly Gen Z in all the wrong ways.
On TikTok there have been about 159.8 thousand posts using the new hashtag nonchalant, all vaguely circling around this idea of a person who cannot be shaken by things, especially in a romantic sense. It bases itself on the cliche argument that it’s not cool to care too hard or let yourself be seen in a real way. Although very rarely are people entirely the stereotypical embodiments of the idea that are seen online, the ideas of being separated and just the right amount of distant from a given romantic relationship still hold true to many in our generation today.
This idea also does not come from a vacuum, and it in many ways relates itself to other new phenomena that have popped up in the dating lives of this generation today. As a whole, the lines are blurring in terms of how we relate ourselves to other people. As the BBC puts it, Gen Z is more pragmatic about love, a funny idea. There is less of a need or expectation of permanence in a relationship, and often a more intrinsic focus while in them. This is the generation of situationships after all, of low commitment, low stakes, of “attracting not chasing”, of weird middle grounds and keeping the cards close to your chest while trying to figure out what the other person wants first. As power dynamics in relationships have changed heavily over time, it seems now there exists a prioritization of soft power and subtle influence over another’s actions while primarily letting the other person take the driver’s seat in how a relationship progresses.
In truth, it is (at least in part) a matter of pride. It is no secret that America is built on a prideful and individualistic culture. It hurts people’s egos to fail, especially in matters so personal like romantic relationships, and so it can be easier to not try at all. It can be easier to feed the ego by staying detached and, well, nonchalant. It’s the same as people who are afraid to go out and dance, as an example, who shy away from genuinely expressing themselves through movement with their friends. The problem is vulnerability and an unwillingness to take a hit to one’s pride, and how many in this generation today would prefer to restrict their ability to connect with another person than face that reality. The many conventions created in dating today, from situationships to nonchalance, are ultimately based on that fear.
Yet, that’s hardly a new thing. Generally, people have always been afraid of messing up intimate relationships to some degree. If that’s not the main reason for the development of this new generation’s dating tendencies, the answer has to lie in something else recent. At the risk of sounding like every boomer ever, the answer lies in technology. So much of our relationships have been taken online these days and that has had detrimental consequences for our ability to, and interest in, connecting with people. In general, when the face-to-face aspect of interaction is removed, it is harder to fully connect with a person. It’s easier to be nonchalant and to impersonalize a given interaction because it is just words on a screen. It is more curated, intentional and sterilized than two people actually talking, as there is control and an improved ability to prevent ourselves from certain ego pains. Snapchat is a great example of this, as one of the current dominant methods of online communication. Our ability to play games and maintain perfect distance is improved through this app with the half swipes, snap-score checking, and waiting just the right amount of time before replying. It strips interactions of their human aspect, gamifies and abstracts them in a way unconducive to building genuine human relationships.
The technological age of dating separates people as it hopes to bring them together, by creating distance in the depth and emotional connection of people. This idea of being nonchalant, of not putting yourself fully out there, makes perfect sense when we live in the age of the digital panopticon. It is a perfectly natural consequence that people shy themselves up when it has become structurally harder in the dating world to connect and build trust with the person on the other side.
Yet, at the end of the day, that doesn’t mean it’s good. This is ultimately still a barrier to creating meaningful relationships, a self-imposed one out of fear of hurt. It’s worth it to understand where it comes from but it’s more important to address it. The idea of being “nonchalant” might sound cool, but for those that want something more out of the people they surround themselves with it is not worth it. Relationships —specifically love, to be cliche about it— are not a game or a competition to win. These power plays dilute the concept of it to the point where since there’s so little being put into it there’s not much to be gained from it either. That is no way to live in my opinion. So, in the future, maybe try to be a little more “chalant” about things and see what can actually happen.