Gaby Setiadi, a third-semester molecular and cell biology student from Indonesia
Tell me about the last time you felt really, really happy.
“When I was back home for the summer, I spent a lot of my time with one of my best friends. I’ve known her for probably eight years, but we never really got close … she was always a quiet person, and she always was reserved and wouldn’t really share any open thoughts with people, so to befriend her was impossible. So, this one time we started talking to each other and we realized that we had so many similar past experiences. Just like our background and how we were raised and what kind of family we grew up in and the struggles we faced and I guess with the traumas we had were very similar. The fact we’ve been friends for eight years but have never touched on that, and for her as a person who’s really cold, unable to share her thoughts, she was able to confide in me. Seeing other people feel comfortable around me is what makes me really happy, so just to be able to her heart melt and for her to be really honest with her emotions was a definite high in our friendship. I just found so much joy in that. Like I cry happy tears, thinking ‘Oh my gosh, I have a friend who’s going through and went through the same thing that I [have].’ I guess we’re doing long-distance friendship now. But yeah, knowing that I have a friend like her and only realizing like 19 years into my life that I would find someone that similar to me just brought me so much joy.”
Tell me more about how it made you feel when she confided in you
“I definitely find so much joy [in] interacting with people one-on-one. I’m not great with massive groups of people. If you put me in a big friend group, I can’t interact with people. If I’m just seated with another person, even if it’s a stranger, I could go on for hours as long as it’s very intimate and a just the two of you kind of thing. That sort of like energizes me. So when I find someone can confiding in me, I’m like, ‘wow, they trust me.’ So I just felt loved that someone wanted my ears, does that make sense? Like, they realize that I’m a good listener and I’m willing to listen to them ramble for hours. The biggest compliment someone could give you is ‘you’re a really good listener.’ Knowing that someone wanted my ears is kind of rewarding to me and just for it to come from someone who doesn’t like to share a lot of things means even more to me.”
Why do you think you’re such a good listener?
“My mom taught me growing up … [that] everyone’s going through different things and the first step that you should take in meeting people is to empathize with them. Usually, you have to start by listening to them. Like yes, introducing yourself and making yourself known to them is important, but I feel like we all have to step with empathy in the first place because you really don’t know what someone has gone through or is currently going through just by a first meet. So I’ve always been like, ‘Okay, let’s listen to them first, and if they’re willing to lend their ears for me, then I’ll start telling [about] myself.’ That’s how I was raised, step with empathy first and then if they’re willing to listen to you, then you start talking.”
Can you describe the time when you struggled with that?
“I can’t recall specific moments, but I think I tend to listen to people a lot. I think about other people’s opinions, so I really take other peoples’ opinions to heart. If somebody says person A is like this, it will be really hard for me to not get that thought [out of] my head. Yes, I’ll step with empathy, but the thought is still going to be running in my head. Especially if the comment that they made about that person is a really bad one, I would probably be like, ‘okay, I’ll just keep this in mind.’ I have to make sure that when I’m interacting with this person, I shouldn’t touch that thought of mine [and] sort of go around it.
“Empathizing with people who… all they can talk about is themselves. I don’t know how to say it, but I feel like even though I feel like I’m a good listener, I almost have expectations to be listened to. It’s really hard to empathize with someone when they’re like, ‘oh wait, they want my ears, sure, but I’m not going to give you all the time I have in the world.’ I feel like I still struggle with people pleasing at the same time and. I’m like, ‘yes, I’ll give you all of my time but at the same time, it’s getting a little hard.”
How do you not lose yourself when you constantly give your time to and listen to other people?
“I mean it goes back to what I said earlier. A good listener isn’t just someone who lends you their ears, they also have to lend you their words because you’re also wanting them to be actively engaging in the conversation.
Obviously listening to their story, but also finding connections to how what they’re saying might reflect in my life. Has an experience they had reflect an experience I had? And if it’s something that really resonates with me, maybe I would share back my experiences too. Then from there we can build a connection where we’re like, ‘oh, we have shared interest, we have shared past experiences.’ I think that’s when it becomes a legitimate friendship and not just like people rambling over coffee or something. I have to realize that with any conversation, it goes two ways. Although there’s one listener and there’s someone listening, that person listening also has the right to be saying something. So, I have to stand up. I just have to keep reminding myself [that] I can stand up for myself. I do have the space to be sharing what my thoughts are too. I guess that’s how I approach it.