If we’re lucky in the Opinion section, we work through our beliefs completely and support them with great arguments. But sometimes, we don’t need a deeper reason to hold our convictions. Rapid Fire is for those short length takes that only take a few sentences to get out — no more justification needed.
Last weekend’s fight between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson dominated social media and added to a quickly growing list of celebrity boxing matches. Whether you’re a fan or not, these events combine over-the-top entertainment and competition, creating spectacles that people from all walks of life want to tune in to see. This week, the opinion section answers the question: Which celebrities do we want to see in the boxing ring next?
Evelyn Pazan, Associate Opinion Editor: This is sort of random, but I would pay actual money to watch Snooki hop in the ring against Shaq. Besides the insane height difference of over two feet, I want to see the energy that two “New Jerseyans” would bring to fight night. Suggested walk out song for Snooki, this “Before He Cheats” Jersey club remix. For Shaq, “All I Do Is Win”.
Tomas Hinckley, Opinion Editor: Look, I’m not saying we need another celebrity boxing match, lord knows these things are horrid, but I have an undying need, perhaps a burning desire to see Elon Musk face the octagon. I’m not saying there would be joy in my heart seeing him get punched in the face, but there would be something deeply satisfying about it. Bring back the proposed match for him v. Zuckerberg, let it happen.
Raegan Skelly, Contributor: I am begging for Dave Portnoy and Zach Bryan to box for many reasons. Mainly because it would be advertised so well, since Portnoy owns Barstool Sports and would love nothing more than to show off his hatred for Bryan. I’ve listened to all of the seemingly endless diss tracks made by Barstool ever since Bryan’s breakup with Barstool’s own Brianna “Chickenfry” LaPaglia (“Small Man” is by far the best). There is also nothing Barstool loves more than to release topical merchandise, and the idea of a shirt featuring Zach Bryan getting beaten up by the infamous Miss Peaches (Portnoy’s viral adopted dog) brings me sincere joy.
Noa Climor, Contributor: Personally, I think many celebrities need to duke it out in the ring. Get rid of the academies and make them fight for whatever award they are nominated for. Maybe Tom Holland, Andrew Garfield and Toby Maguire? Make them battle for who the best spiderman really is. Critics can say whatever they want, but in the end, the best spiderman is the one that wins it all.
Patrick Minnerly, Weekly Columnist: The world needs a Kendrick versus Drake matchup. Think of how many views that would get! Also, Kendrick already won the war, so it would just be an absolute popcorn fight. They both could have their walkup songs be the diss tracks they wrote about each other.