Over winter break, I was catching up with some friends from home and showing them photos from my first semester. I was excited when I got to Halloweekend — until I heard their first comment: “Oh, so your friends decided to dress slutty.”
I was shocked that the first thing they thought about when considering my memories from college was my friends’ sluttiness. Not mentioned was the fun we had that night, our cleverly themed costumes and definitely not their character. That last one was ostensibly spoken for by the way they chose to dress.
This revived my long-held disdain for the word slut, which I wish we would all stop using.
My argument is not that we should all be sex-positive or that you should change your own standards about sex; that’s frankly none of my business. I simply urge women to recognize the uselessness of that word for anything but placing undue judgment on each other and continuing a legacy of misogyny. Let’s break it down:
To begin with, while the definition of the word slut is simply “a promiscuous person,” its significance runs deeper. Despite terms like man-whore, player and stud, there is no directly equivalent label for a man. This is because there is no direct equivalent for the stigmatization and shame that is placed on women who are accused of eliciting sexual attention (voluntarily or not) in what is deemed an unacceptable manner. The selective usage in reference to women reflects the primary blame placed on them for what takes two. It reflects the double standard by which men are allowed, and often even encouraged, to exercise their sexuality, while women are expected to remain pure and unadulterated. Even if you hold a woman to the same standards as a man, please don’t call her a slut. In doing so, you carry the history of the selective villainization of women, from Hester Prynne to Monica Lewinsky to Taylor Swift.
Besides, objections to someone else’s sexual behavior often stem from religious, societal, cultural or other personal notions. While all of these are entirely valid stances, they are not objective. There is no universal standard of modesty or sexual decorum that everyone agrees upon, which is evident from the range of behavior that might prompt someone to be labeled a slut. This could be anything from attending a party, to the dress a girl wears, to dancing with a guy and even to going home with him. Therefore, while we all have our own standards, morals and opinions, they will never match someone else’s entirely, and that’s okay. It is not up to one person to decide for everyone else what victimless behavior is acceptable.
Admittedly, we sometimes act in ways that hurt us. If you notice your friend binge-watching TV shows and getting three hours of sleep every night, you might worry about them and tell them that their behavior is unhealthy. Similarly, if you feel a friend is displaying a lack of self-respect, and you truly care and want to keep her from getting hurt, you might reach out. However, your response shouldn’t be to brand her with a shameful label. That won’t help her. Far from convincing her to recognize potentially harmful behavior, it will only convince her that her very being is condemned, leaving her feeling more hurt and defenseless than before.
It should be said that there is a small but noteworthy movement to reclaim the word slut, ostensibly in a similar vein to the word queer. Some self-identify with the term as a means of sexual empowerment and dismantling of stigma and shame. Yet the history of misogyny is much messier than that of homophobia, as being a “slut” is much more ambiguous and subjective than being gay. As such, I doubt that such a reclamation is possible. In my eyes, the modern usage of the word “slut” will always carry its derogatory connotation, due to the word’s upbringing.
Therefore, I ask my fellow women to stop coming after each other, backbiting and perpetuating double standards. Slut-shaming only tears us down. Let’s look after each other instead.