“Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want.” This quote from “Gone Girl” describes exactly what is seen throughout the media. The cool girl is chill and is easy to control. Due to its popularity, this trope has become increasingly desirable in society. Furthermore, this constant exposure to such gendered media messages has shaped the expectations that college students have for romantic expectations, aligning with gender socialization theories. Yet being the cool girl is not as cool as the name implies. It’s detrimental to your success in life.
In college, our brains undergo significant development because the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for self-regulation and complex decision making, matures significantly during college years. This period of intense neurodevelopment is why college is such a crucial time for self-discovery as well as identity formation. Thus, in attempting to mold this stereotype, the harm goes beyond just the current times. Long-term impacts are seen on one’s wellbeing as well as one’s career outcomes. How do you avoid this damage? Feminism.
Psychology enables us to understand why we function as we do. In understanding the impact of gender norms, gender socialization theories act as our way to understanding this impact. Social role theory, social learning theory and gender schema theory all integrate with one another to explain the observational learning part of these gender norms. The norms that a culture has shape gender expectations. With repeated exposure and reinforcement, individuals internalize these roles. As children observe and receive rewards for conforming to the gender norms, they start to internalize these norms. Over time, this repeated reinforcement creates a series of mental frameworks that guide their behavior to maintain predictability which elaborates as their gender identity and understanding of gender role develops. This ensures that gendered patterns remain persistent throughout life.
One such learned gender schema is from the trope of the “cool girl,” termed in the critically satirical novel and film “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn. The cool girl is a girl who is effortlessly attractive, accommodating, low maintenance and never demands more than what a man is willing to give. This type of girl is seen throughout various popular media such as Mila Kunis’ character in “Friends with Benefits,” a girl who is casual and laid back and shows effortless independence, or Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary,” a girl who is effortlessly attractive and approachable, who is nonchalant about romance and doesn’t act needy or dramatic. The popularity of this trope, which in turn has commonly established gender schemas for society, has caused women to feel more pressured to adopt behaviors that align with this archetype.
Some of the behaviors from which this established gender schema results in includes women feeling pressured to suppress their authentic selves to prioritize the comfort of their boyfriend over their own needs. For the male in the relationship, he develops unrealistic expectations of emotional labor and self-sacrifice in relationships. The mental strain that the female experiences in trying to suppress her true feelings results in cognitive dissonance. She is more likely to experience an increase in the risk of anxiety, depression and low self-esteem due to the need to be perfect and effortlessly cool, which results in burnout in relationships.
By experiencing this in such a crucial point of development, a female college student that acts as the cool girl will see self-defeating long term professional consequences. She will face a struggle in advocating for promotions, raises and leadership roles. She will act with a need to be agreeable rather than assertive in the workplace due to having learned this in dating. In simply accepting this gender schema, women are more likely to lead a less successful life in terms of career. Yes, the cool girl may appear cool now, but she won’t be when trying to establish her career.
The way to avoid this is by exercising feminism within romantic relationships. While feminism is often seen as a political movement, it is also an interpersonal practice. It looks like the female fighting against a potential gender schema by disrupting self-sacrificing behaviors that comes with it and replacing them with self-advocacy, boundary setting and mutuality. Instead of self-silencing, she communicates her needs, leading to healthier relationships, mutual respect and better emotional well-being. Instead of carrying the relationship’s mentality, she asks for emotional reciprocity, preventing emotional burnout in relationships as well as in the workplace.
Exercising feminism also impacts a female’s career success. Due to having practice communicating her needs and expectations, she will have more confidence in salary negotiation, leadership roles and boundary setting. By rejecting perfectionism and people-pleasing, she will be able to have a better work-life balance and maintain emotional sustainability. In knowing how to set boundaries in relationships, she will be better equipped to do so in professional settings. Overall, feminism is a measure of preventive care. Exercising it now is a way to future proof your self-worth. If you know how to set boundaries with a boyfriend, you will be able to do so with a boss. You will then know how to ask for more in your career by knowing how to ask for more in love.
While it is to be acknowledged that not all women internalize the gender norms seen in the media in the same way, other women may find aspects of being the “cool girl” empowering. Feminism is about giving women the ability to define themselves instead of simply conforming to male driven expectations due to what is seen in the media. Feminism is a way to reject perfectionism, demand reciprocity and set firm boundaries in our personal and professional lives. By doing this, we are not only changing our lives, but we are also changing the narrative that defines what it means to be a woman in today’s world.
My women at UConn: I implore you to reject the cool girl facade in not only your personal liberation, but to reshape our workplaces and what it means to be successful on our own terms. Embrace feminism as a shield and sword: set firm boundaries, advocate for your needs and claim your space in each and every aspect of life. What’s truly cool isn’t maintaining a facade of effortless perfection. What’s cool is using your own strength in being authentically you and forging a path that honors your worth.