Hello, and welcome back to The Backlog. As a soon-to-be graduate, this is my very last edition. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of writing for you and for this column, and I couldn’t have been happier to do so. Choosing nostalgic games for the final month of the semester wasn’t a random choice, but I chose this category because I wanted to explore all the titles that made me the gamer I am today.
You might’ve noticed I played games not appropriate for my age at the time, and today’s review is no different. This game is one most people have never heard of, and you may not understand why I loved it so much. Despite that, let’s begin my final review with “Fat Princess.”
“Fat Princess” is a multiplayer action game developed by Titan Studios and published by Sony Computer Entertainment in 2009. It’s available on the PlayStation 3 and was ported over to the PlayStation Portable by SuperVillain Studios in 2010.
Although it’s a multiplayer game, I’d recommend playing it locally as nobody is online anymore. Most people don’t even have a PS3 (I still do).
The basic premise of the game is that you are either playing for the blue or red kingdom and must save your princess who is being held captive in the enemy’s castle. This “Rescue the Princess” mode is the most basic one, but there are other game modes that include capturing the enemy’s princess instead, capturing outposts or just killing as many people as possible.
Your castle is equipped with hat machines, picking up these hats assigns you a certain role and abilities. The Warrior helmet equips you with a sword and shield, the Ranger has a bow-and-arrow, the Worker has an ax, the Mage can control fire and the Priest can heal allies. If you don’t have a hag, you are simply a Villager.
By gathering resources like wood and ore as the Worker, the hat machines can be upgraded. An upgraded Warrior is equipped with a glaive and the Mage can use ice as well as fire. All the hats can be upgraded, aside from the additional classes with the “Fat Roles” add-on pack.
After chopping wood and mining for ore, you can carry the resources back to the castle and throw them into each machine, adding to your resource stockpile. But you can also use outposts throughout the map for adding resources. Just by standing near one your team begins to capture it, and with more allies near you the outpost gets captured quicker.
You can also collect giant slices of cake throughout the map, feeding them to your princess or the captured princess will cause her to gain weight. The bigger and heavier she is, the harder it is for any enemies to carry her. This mechanic slows down anyone carrying the princess and can help you attack them while they’re vulnerable. But be warned, the enemy can also feed their princess.
Spoilers for “Fat Princess” story beyond this point!
Personally, I don’t think the plot is complicated enough to warrant a disclaimer, but I digress. The campaign mode called “Legend of the Fat Princess,” starts off with two princesses playing in the Black Forest. There they find a giant slice of cake and end up eating the whole thing.
The kings find the princesses who’ve become much fuller than before and panic, believing the princesses are cursed and will explode. They both ban cakes throughout their kingdoms but are distressed to find that their daughters only want to eat cake, specifically the ones that randomly appear in the Black Forest.
After receiving a message that Prince Albert is looking for a bride, each king hatches a plan to ensure their daughter would be the one chosen and thus breaking the curse (so they believe). Each king orders their men to sneak into the enemy’s castle and kidnap their princess, by morning each king realizes that their daughter was captured.
Each level of the story mode uses a certain mode from the game, including “Rescue the Princess,” “Invasion” and “Snatch ‘n Grab.” After six chapters the red princess is rescued, and Prince Albert chooses her. The king is overjoyed that his daughter won’t explode, but Prince Albert reveals that the cakes were never cursed, but that they’re just delicious. After recounting how much bloodshed was spilled for this “curse,” the pair are wed and well-fed.
“Fat Princess” is best played with friends and family but be warned that it does have a sense of crude humor. The taunts in the game include several swears or insults, and the end credits include the song “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot. It’s a silly game with a silly tone, and that’s why I adored it as a kid.
Despite how old it is and how many options there are for games nowadays, I find myself pulled back into “Fat Princess” occasionally and enjoy playing it with my family. The online features are practically nonexistent but that doesn’t take away from its charm. Each map has its own secrets to find, and each game mode has unique aspects that make them enjoyable.
My siblings and I love constructing the catapult and loading it with bombs so that we can send it over to the enemy’s castle. It’s not a very efficient way to save our princess but it is the funniest. Be careful when loading the catapult with magic potions, however. Turns out that being near those potions when they launch causes them to activate and turn you into a chicken.
Although it’s likely you’ll never play “Fat Princess” or see any content about it, I’m satisfied that I was able to review it and share with you readers how closely I hold it to my heart. I would give my right kidney to see “Fat Princess” remastered for the PS5 or any new-generation console. Other reviews might say it’s mediocre, but just like our gluttonous princess and her cake, I can’t get enough of it!
Rating: 5/5 Slices of Cake