“This isn’t normal. This isn’t how life is supposed to feel.”
For my final issue of this semester’s version of the Modern Monster, I wanted to find something about growing up or moving on to stay in spirit with the end of the year. I also hoped for something with LGBTQIA+ themes, since June is outside of The Daily Campus’ production cycle. Anyway, I’ve found the perfect movie.
“I Saw the TV Glow,” directed by Jane Schoenbrun, tells the story of Owen, played by Justice Smith, and Maddy, played by Jack Haven. The pair are obsessed with a television show called “The Pink Opaque” about two girls with magical powers who need to fight monsters. The only trouble is, Owen has begun to feel a connection to the world beyond the screen. Things only get worse when Maddy suddenly vanishes.
I’ve never watched a movie more heart-wrenching, disturbing and transformative than “I Saw the TV Glow.” It’s a polarizing movie, with some saying it’s too heavy-handed in its storytelling or it isn’t scary enough to count as a horror movie.
If you didn’t find this movie scary, it wasn’t made for you. I found it to be horrifying.
To help you understand where I’m coming from, I’m bisexual. I’m also genderqueer, which essentially means I have a different perspective on my own gender than others would. My exact thoughts on my own gender are complicated and not that relevant, but it informed my experience with this movie, and I hope that perspective informs your reading of this column.
“I Saw the TV Glow” doesn’t beat around the bush when it comes to discussions of gender and sexuality. Maddy is a lesbian, and Owen hasn’t quite figured out how he feels, but he knows he likes TV shows.
Spoilers for “I Saw the TV Glow” beyond this point!
The twist of the movie is essentially that Maddy and Owen aren’t Maddy and Owen; they’re Tara and Isabel, the two girls from “The Pink Opaque.” The world of the show is the real world, and they’ve essentially been hypnotized into a fake reality. Maddy returns to Owen years after having vanished and shares all of this with Owen. They need to free themselves from being “Maddy” and “Owen.”
The trouble with freeing yourself? It hurts. Maddy became Tara by burying herself alive. When she claws free, she’s in “The Pink Opaque” and she’s Tara. Tara finds Isabel, unconscious and suffocating, but with her disembodied heart still beating, and returns to the real world to save her by turning Owen into Isabel again.
One nice part about this movie is that, when Maddy tells Owen this, there’s no proof. We don’t know if burying yourself alive does anything. Maddy might just be insane. So, it’s unsurprising that Owen doesn’t go through with it, though it’ll haunt him later.
The movie places emphasis on the television show, “The Pink Opaque,” for good reason. Media has a very important place in queer culture. Many queer people, myself included, realized they’re not straight or cisgender by watching a show or a movie. I was obsessed with certain books and shows growing up, and that’s when I realized I wasn’t heterosexual.
If you haven’t been othered by society—through your gender, sexuality, race, religion or anything else—you might not realize the importance of representation, of seeing yourself in a character on a screen and realizing that the thing that’s wrong with you is actually normal. So, Owen and Maddy are obsessed with a silly television show. It’s only natural.
Therefore, “I Saw the TV Glow” isn’t about the horror of spending too much time on your phone. It’s about the horrors of identity; the realization that you are someone else and that you’ve been cramming yourself into a box to match others’ ideas. It’s about being scared of the fact that you are different. It’s about the pain of change and the pain of staying the same.
It’s easy to view an aspect of your own identity as “the thing that’s wrong with you.” It’s easy to hate your differences. I’ve struggled with that for years, especially when it comes to gender. It feels like a monster trying to claw its way out of you. The only trouble is, that monster is you. It’s the you that you need to be, and it can’t stay hidden. It’s only a monster because you turned it into one.
Feeling trapped within yourself is like getting stuck in a bear trap. You’re going to need to gnaw your own foot off if you want to be free. But the only other option is to lie there and die.
Owen doesn’t go along with Maddy’s dreams of breaking them free. Instead, he lives a hollow life that moves too fast. It’s monotonous and painful, and we see almost none of it. But many years later, he’s working at an arcade, and he suddenly realizes he’s made a horrible mistake. He feels like he’s dying. He tears his own chest open and inside there’s nothing but light.
For many people, becoming aware of their own identity can be a horrifying experience. It’s easy to spend years building an identity that matches the world around you. You need to fit in, of course. No one wants to stand out.
When you realize that something about you is different, that entire person that you built is gone. You need to become someone new, and it needs to happen now. It’s time to grieve the thing you thought you were and push it aside for something that fits.
Owen knows he’s Isabel, but he pushes that feeling down. And in doing so, he’s built an even bigger cage for himself than the one he had before. If he doesn’t let that monster out, it’s going to kill him. And, as we’ve established before, he is the monster. Anyone can become a monster if they’re beaten down and imprisoned within themselves.
The end of another academic year signifies the start of something new, and it brings with it chances to reinvent yourself, whether it be through trying new hobbies or learning new skills.
Life isn’t supposed to be painful. And no matter where you are in life, there’s always a chance to get rid of the pain and to accept the monster. As “I Saw the TV Glow” tells us, there is still time. There is still time to make peace with “the thing that’s wrong with you.” There is still time to find a way to love the monster within you. It’s you, after all.