College always seemed like an impassable road to me. Sure, adults look back on their time in college as that of youth and bad decisions. For me, it’s a bit more somber than that.
I didn’t really know what to write for my senior column. I already concluded The Backlog — my video game column — last Tuesday, and it was bittersweet. So, what could I leave for the upcoming class of freshmen, waiting to start their adult life? The only thing I could think of was getting my thoughts down before leaving UConn.
Looking back at my freshman year, it was uneventful. It was the first time I was away from home and surrounded by people I had never met. I did have a random roommate, and we got along fine. We hardly spoke to one another but that seemed to work for our dynamic. Evelyn, if you’re reading this, you were a great roommate! You kept to yourself and your space. I appreciated that you were respectful and responsible.
Despite that, I found it difficult to meet new people and find friends. I hadn’t gone to a friend’s dorm until my old high school friend moved to campus in the spring, so for the entire fall semester I felt alone. I spent weekends lying in bed scrolling through TikTok. I hardly ate, and if I did eat it was just so my stomach wouldn’t hurt. Unfortunately, I also have a bad habit of stress-eating sweets. I’d take the silver or red line downtown to Insomnia Cookies, order a 6-pack and devour the entire thing. Occasionally I’d leave a cookie for Evelyn, but it was the only way I could justify my unhealthy habit.
After reuniting with old friends, I started making new ones, but I still wanted more. So of course I did what every college kid does: I downloaded Bumble. I don’t hate online dating, but it is a stressful song-and-dance. To me, the hardest part was making an account. I barely have any flattering photos of myself and most of them contain other people, so it was hard trying to not come off as a catfish. It certainly didn’t help my self-esteem. Each and every one of my friends is beautiful, but it can be discouraging to see myself next to them, appearing out of place and awkward.
Somehow, I did end up in a relationship, but it didn’t last long. I won’t go into detail, but I came out of it with maturity. I had a better understanding of myself, and what I was looking for in a relationship. To any girls who grew up fantasizing about the ideal partner who’d always know what you wanted or needed, I’m about to rain on your parade. Nobody is a mind reader, especially guys. Communicate what you want and don’t bottle things up like I did, because then you’ll explode and hurt those around you.
It’s been years since my last relationship, but I’m not rushing this time. For my junior year, I thought I had to put myself out there again, and it might come naturally to some. But I think I speak for a lot of lonely hearts when I say it feels like no one is ever looking at you with attraction. I promise you, there is more to you than what you think others see.
So far, I’ve been complaining about loneliness, but it doesn’t mean you should avoid solitude. I’m the type that can get overwhelmed by a lot of people, especially if they’re naturally loud. It’s okay to get invested in your imagination and have yourself as company. That’s why I’ve always been invested and in love with video games. Before UConn, none of my friends were as interested as I was. Luckily, The Backlog was a way I could fangirl about all my favorite games. Sometimes my love for them would bleed into academic projects as well.
Although I’m glad I finally finished my degree, it’s nerve-racking thinking about what’s next. I don’t know what the future holds, but I want to keep pursuing what I love and combine it with what I learned. Even if it starts slow and small, I really think I know what I can do, and I hope I’ll be able to share it with you again. Good luck to The Daily Campus, the Thai, Lao and Cambodian Student Association and journalism students everywhere!