If you’re not Benson Boone, stop reading this. Just kidding, I need the numbers. If you’re Benson Boone’s PR team though, I’d like to sit you down and have a chat, because what in the mystical magical world are you doing?
The current state of Benson Boone, despite being an objectively talented man, is something tragic. He has a four-octave vocal range (holy tenor), he can play piano and guitar and he can do a backflip. Yet to the masses, he is little more than a meme. Hardly anyone respects his artistry. They mock his mustache, stage presence and his music itself. The lyricism of “Mystical Magical” has been heavily critiqued online for its nonsensical nature — “moonbeam ice cream/taking off your blue jeans/dancing at the movies” (Benson Boone, if you’re reading this, please let me know what that means). While this publicity catapulted Boone to household name status and earned him a collaboration with Crumbl Cookies, his current fanbase is primarily composed of middle-aged mothers and that one coworker who no one takes seriously.
You may be asking yourself, Gianna, why do you care? What’s your stake in the game? I’m so glad you asked. I was once the biggest “Mystical Magical” hater on this planet. I heard the phrase “moonbeam ice cream” and lamented the decline of pop music as if Benson Boone himself had slaughtered it. Yet something in my heart changed upon watching a video of Benson Boone joining Laufey on her tour. He can sing jazz like nobody’s business, and no one is talking about it. The man is genuinely talented (if you disagree, watch his cover of Adele’s When We Were Young and get back to me), and I believe it’s a shame to let talent go to waste.
Ignore your PR team, Benson Boone. Here’s the plan. First, you disappear from the public eye. Take a well-deserved vacation. Spend some time with your loved ones. Then, get prepared to lock in. The first act of business is to fire your lyricist. Keep your mustache for now; it’s part of your brand. Next, we get you in contact with your spiritual predecessor, Adam Lambert. Lambert is arguably the best male vocalist of our generation, who I’d argue has a similar vibe to what you’re trying to emulate. Under his mentorship, you could receive advice to improve your artistry. Don’t get me wrong — we don’t want you to become a copy of Adam Lambert — we just want you to shift your act away from the horrors of “Mystical Magical”. You start working on a new album, either in the pop punk/rock vein or closer to jazz, in which case you keep up a relationship with Laufey.
While you’re cooking up the album, your PR team (me) is wildly pulling strings to get you stunt-casted in a Broadway revival of Jesus Christ Superstar (you’ll be playing Judas, of course). The general theater public goes insane. They think you’ll never be able to pull this off. They take these sentiments to the internet. Your name is back in circulation, admittedly not in the best light, but that’s ok. We know you’re strong, and you can handle the criticism because you’ve done it before. However, if you would like, I am willing to hire a therapist for you, because mental wellbeing comes first.
Back to the show. During the rehearsal process, you make a few public appearances with your good friend Adam Lambert, who has been mentoring you as a fellow Judas. The theater freaks (affectionate) buy tickets, prepared to laugh and/or cringe at your performance. The curtain rises and they are blown away. Your insane tenor screlting abilities, mentorship from Adam Lambert and religious trauma (?) due to your ex-Mormon backstory create one of the most powerful portrayals of Judas in history. Someone posts a bootleg video of your performance to the internet, and we let it happen. The video goes viral and, suddenly, the entire internet has switched up. Ticket sales for Jesus Christ Superstar are astronomically high, and you’ve got the theater gays on your side, ergo a ride-or-die fanbase under the age of 40.
When the show closes and you think your popularity is starting to decline, think again. Remember that album you’ve been cooking up? Boom. You tease it. Now you’ve acquired the attention of the entire internet. Your theater fans are excited to hold listening parties and everyone else… they don’t know what they’ve got coming. It will most definitely be both mystical and magical.
Mr. Boone, kindly consider firing your PR team and hiring me instead. I could use the internship credit and real-life experience. The job market is really scary right now. If your PR team decides to steal any of my ideas without credit and/or monetary compensation, I will press charges.
Peace and love,
Gianna Cassino
Dear Gianna,
Your ideas actually reflect your deep longing for an Adam Lambert clone. Add in the role of Judas in JCS… with that role, Adam blew the roof off the Hollywood Bowl this August. I agree with you on one thing: Lambert is the best male vocalist of our generation, but he is a classically trained vocalist (including operatic singing) which means he has worked with vocal coaches since childhood on the healthy aspects of his phenomenal technique – free of vocal fatigue and cracked flat notes – something that sets him apart as a multi-genre vocalist among many others.
Wondering if you’d be happier if his lyrics had been, “rocky road ice cream, putting on your new jeans?”