Thanksgiving season is upon us, which means good food, an iconic parade and gearing up to tell my extended family that, no, I still do not have a boyfriend. Being single doesn’t bother me, but the act of my family members asking “why” does. Articulating my reasoning behind this thought was made easier with the publication of a British Vogue article titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” which celebrates the decline in showing off boyfriends as a reclamation of the self. The sudden “embarrassment” surrounding posting and discussing boyfriends is a far cry from the recent trend in tradwife content, and I find it incredibly refreshing.
Chanté Joseph, author of the aforementioned Vogue article, introduces her gripes with women’s tendencies to hype up their boyfriends without receiving praise in return. Once, having a steady boyfriend was a top item on the young woman’s “having your life together” checklist, something to brag about to single and partnered friends alike. Recently, Joseph notes, “boyfriends are out of style.” There’s an element of shame that comes with publicizing a partner. But why?
For one thing, being single is chic. Many women are quick to lament the newest wrongdoings of their boyfriends or husbands — he bought silver jewelry where she prefers gold, he never stays in to watch the kids, whatever it may be. Single women are liberated from the inherent sacrifice that comes with a relationship. They have an element of spontaneity and freedom that the partnered woman lacks. When you’re single, you call the shots, and there’s nothing more chic than independence.
A particularly interesting segment of this discourse revolves around content creators. Influencers serve as role models for many young girls who consume their lifestyle content. When influencers begin including their boyfriends in every aspect of their content, it corrupts the initial voice and vision that captured audiences in the first place. Joseph refers to this as the “boyfriend-ification” of content. Content creator Sophie Milner shared with Vogue that we as women “can become more beige and watered-down online when in a relationship.” I’ve found that in a society so heavily revolving around aesthetics, being single means you can go all out. From home decor to “girl dinner,” there’s no need to cater to a man who doesn’t get your vision. Leaving a boyfriend out of the narrative plays into the “girl world” concept that so many influencers try to push.
When I was in middle school, any time a content creator I liked introduced her boyfriend, I’d stop watching. Like many other young girls, I was frustrated by the abrupt transition of content into couples’ challenges, moving in and wedding planning. It was unrelatable and unentertaining. When content becomes all about the joy of relationships, it excludes teenage girls who aren’t male-oriented, which composes a large demographic of influencers’ target audiences.
Rather than introducing their boyfriends to their followers, influencers have increasingly tended towards a “soft launch” – sharing images of hands clinking glasses across the dinner table, for example. Soft launching is the way to go. Rather than corrupting the influencer’s voice, the boyfriend appears as a posed object among wine glasses. He is part of the painting rather than a dominating voice in the art of the Instagram grid. The soft-launched boyfriend is merely an established presence as opposed to a recurring character or the focus of the content. It’s akin to adults in the Peanuts franchise: we’re aware of their existence, but we don’t get their perspective because, frankly, it’s not what we’re here for.
I believe there’s something to be said about the worth of social media content creation as art in relation to the boyfriend discourse. My issue with content “boyfriend-ification” is the corruption of the creator’s initial artistic vision. To set an extreme example, it’s like watching your favorite painter complete her latest work, only for a toddler with a sharpie to scribble a lopsided smiley face across the canvas. It’s a well-intentioned act, sure, but it covers up the thing you wanted to see. Social media allows us to curate our own digital worlds that are entirely under our control. Advances in editing and the focus on aesthetics have transformed social media into an art form in addition to a way of archiving memories. Photography and videography, as well as creating a well-known persona, are all hard work put in by content creators to create a form of art. Interrupting your perfectly curated feed with endless posts about what your boyfriend did today feels like cheating your audience out of what they came for.
A key criticism of the “embarrassing boyfriend” discourse is that it’s indicative of a surge in emotional avoidance. I believe this take comes from a surface-level interpretation, because embarrassment is just a fraction of the argument. The issue with girls constantly posting their boyfriends is that it’s constant. It’s unrealistic to expect women to fully hide their loved ones, but it’s also incredibly disappointing to see their work and image overshadowed by their boyfriends’. Let the record state that I am not a joyless hag who curses the young lovers of this world. I am a teenage girl who simply wants to live in a world where it’s clear that attachment to a man (or lack thereof) has no impact on my worth. There’s a difference between loving your boyfriend and centering your life around someone who doesn’t bother to do the same for you, and my issue is with the latter.
So, to all my boyfriend-girls out there: remember that your life revolves around you. If you’d have to delete half of your Instagram grid in the event of a breakup, maybe it’s time to schedule another girls’ night. And to all the extended family members thinking of a question to replace the dreaded “no boyfriend?” Try asking about something you know is actively happening with the person you’re trying to connect with, not some guy who may or may not exist.