Listen, okay, I know Sten is usually writing these Wednesday Daily Campus columns, but it’s Nov. 9, and I somehow lost to a girl, and he asked me to apologyse (is that how you spell it?) for my “hateful” campaign and all the pain its caused every possible group of people, including white men, because I made them look really, really bad. But first I gotta say something about this rigged election.
Look, I knew it was rigged the whole time. You think I didn’t know that? Crooked Hillary and the corrupt Democratic machine had me taken care of from the start. Republicans, God bless em’, have a fair primary system, so of course I won, as I was by far the most popular candidate. So, yeah, I knew it was rigged the whole time. You guys couldn’t honestly think I was serious about this whole presidential candidate thing, right? You knew I was kidding the whole time, right? I mean if I had a real shot at this thing, I would’ve been the real Donald, but instead, I was full entertainer Donald. I knew what my people wanted to hear, so I gave it to them. I wasn’t saying things to become the president! Duh!
You think I didn’t know about my “Grab them by the p***y” tape? I mean, I didn’t remember it specifically, I’ve said so many politically incorrect things, but the liberal media just started to care about them when I was a threat to their precious Hillary. But all my “locker room talk,” my calling Mexicans rapists, my biggest wall of all time bluster, my mocking of the disabled, my misogynistic comments to Megyn Kelly and Carly Fiorina – and, I’m sure, there were other things – I mean, I never expected anyone to take me seriously! This was all for my new show, my new property, my new product! Come on now, you people don’t really think I’m such a bad guy, right? You have to know this was all for the sport of it. For Chrissake, one time I literally said: “Women, you have to treat them like shit.” You can’t honestly think my candidacy was real in any way!
I’ve been sued over 2,000 times, yet I’ve built my general election campaign around accusing my opponent of corruption. I mean, come on! I’ve gotta be the best comedian in the country! The irony is YUGE! I’m really very smart, very intelligent, have a big brain – of course I saw the humor in that. If anything, I’m the best, wealthiest performance artist in the world! You weren’t able to see that? Sad!
This is all just a big misunderstanding. I was trying to entertain you all! If I was the real Donald, I never would’ve lost. And you all need to know that, because I’m getting really tired of all those nonsense SNL sketches. (It’s just bad comedy! How can you parody someone in the midst of parodying himself?) I don’t like these violent, angry, lazy protesters either, I mean, I’m beginning to fear for my life! I’ve been nothing but gentle during this campaign, what made all the blacks and the Hispanic Latinos and the Muslims and women not vote for me? Were they taking me seriously when I said to “knock the crap out of” people at rallies? How could you? That’s something a dictator, a demagogue would say, not the Donald! The Donald is good, kind, just wants to have a laugh with Howard Stern, or Billy Bush. On live television, in front of millions of people, I threatened to jail my political foe. Really? You think I’d actually do that if I wanted to have a chance at being president? No!
Hopefully these beautiful words I’m dictating to my assistant to write will convince you all that I was kidding around the whole time. Maybe I got caught up in how much the people at my rallies – really very big, loud rallies – liked me. It feels so good to get this off my chest. Now I don’t have to applegize for anything and everyone will stop being mad at me!
All I ever wanted was for you all to love me, to listen to me. I guess some people didn’t get the joke. Unbelievable!
I will be taking all inquiries into TV show opportunities via Twitter Direct Message. Have at it! Let’s keep Making America Great Again! Wow…I really am very smart…that’s the title of my new Fox News hour: “Making America Great Again with your host, Donald Trump!”