Rating popular aphrodisiacs

Viagra is expensive. Your sexy playlist feels a little old. Lacy panties fall apart after, like, three wears and bondage has become blase`. What’s a not-so-horny couple to do? Turn to food, of course, as all solutions should be.

Aphrodisiacs, named after the Greek goddess of love and sex, are foods and compounds that get you in the mood, either by simulating sexual acts or physically stimulating the body. They’ve been used for centuries by civilizations across the world.

Some of them are still used today. I picked some of the most popular ones over the ages, researched their effectiveness and rated them based on how sexy and affordable they are. I’d tell you not to try this at home, but some of you horny f*ckers are gonna try them anyways, so all I’ll say is keep it consensual.

Oysters

The Romans did it. Philosophers did it. Modern day people do it. Oysters (I’m not talking about the Rocky Mountain type – more on that later) have been purported to be sexual stimulants for centuries. Casanova was said to down 50 of them a day. These frutti de mare are said to stimulate desire both through the hormone-kickstarting zinc and amino acids therein, and the fact they look like vag.

Accurate?

Scientists say that despite the history, there’s limited evidence to suggest they actually do anything, and any horniness is most likely due to the placebo effect.

Final rating:

Raw oysters, IMO, tend to taste like snot. Why anyone would find this sexy is beyond me, though you do you, I guess. They’re much better if you cook them with bacon, because then they taste like bacon. 3 out of 5 stars

Chocolate

Whether you’re drinking it, chomping down on a Lindor Truffle, licking syrup off of your partner’s back or enjoying a heart-shaped box of ‘em, chocolate is a welcome treat at any time of day. Both its sweet taste and indulgent nature have made it a popular choice as a sexual stimulant since the Aztecs.

Accurate?

From a chemical standpoint, eating chocolate does release endorphins, which are also released during and after sex. The sweet treat contains the building blocks for serotonin, also released during sex. On the other hand, there’s limited scientific evidence to suggest its direct role in sexual simulation.

Final rating:

I like chocolate and nothing’s sexier than being gifted a Ferrero Rocher box by your SO. Science or no, I think there’s something to be said for it. It’s also fairly easy to buy at a grocery store. 5 out of 5 stars

Scrotums

You read that right! Heading down to the love sack is purported to get anyone who likes having sex with male bits all hot and bothered, and keep those male bits ready for action. Deep-fried bull testicles, known as Rocky Mountain Oysters, were used by cowboys to keep their ‘bulls’ primed and kangaroo testicles and scrotums are popular in China for the same reason.

Accurate?

Though testicles do contain testosterone, which is key to both male and female libido, you’d have to hork them down raw if you’d want any of the effects, as the hormones will break apart with high heat.

Final rating:

I have nothing against eating all the parts of an animal in the name of preventing waste. That being said, I think I’ll pass on the raw balls. 1 out of 5 stars

Horns and Tusks

Popular among rich businessmen, it’s an old Asian medicine method for, well, making you hornier. Unfortunately, the demand for elephant and rhino horns and tusks for this purpose, as well as their use as a status symbol, caused poaching for these animals to leap out of control.

Accurate?

Rhino horn is made of keratin, the same stuff in your fingernails, while elephant tusks are made of detine, the same stuff in your tooth enamel. So, no.

Final rating:

Buy some g***amn flowers instead of killing an endangered animal, for f*ck’s sake. 0 out of 5 stars.

D*ck-shaped things

Is really possible to eat a banana in public with any sort of decency? (The answer is yes, you perverts. Get your minds out of the gutter!) Watching your sexual partner tongue a phallic fruit or veggie (or doing it yourself) certainly sounds sexy. Besides, who doesn’t like them some asparagus, or the good ol’ eggplant emoji?

Accurate?

Watching sexual acts has been proven to arouse certain individuals (men more so than women.) As for the foods themselves, bananas and asparagus contain nutrients that are important for the hormone production needed for sex.

Final rating:

When bananas are $0.79 a pound, what’s not to love? At the very least you can get your vitamins and minerals in. 4 out of 5 stars.

Green M&M’s

Your parents heard about the mystical powers of these verdant little chocolates, whispered about in locker rooms and through passed notes during history class. Picking out green M&M’s and giving them to your lover supposedly got them ready to bow-chicka-wow-wow, perhaps inspired by the Red Dye #2 scare of the 70s.

Accurate?

Though the company has embraced the popularity of these through Valentine’s Day promos, according to Snopes, green dye doesn’t make you horny.

Final rating:

Not really effective, unless you’re turned on by the power of suggestion. It gets points for the chocolate. 2 out of 5 stars.

In conclusion? Aphrodisiacs aren’t so much about the foods themselves as the context they’re served in. Eating a banana, downing some oysters or biting into a Dove bar won’t automatically make you a horn-dog; thinking about sex while doing any of those will.

The best sex comes from happy, healthy and consensual interactions between two adults who listen to one another and are receptive to sexual acts and stimulation. If you think that snorting some rhino tusk or eating green M&M’s will make you or your partner(s) automatically ready for action, then you should probably rethink your strategies. Otherwise, enjoy your dinner, enjoy sex and enjoy your Valentine’s Day.

Marlese Lessing is the news editor for The Daily Campus. She can be reached via email at marlese.lessing@uconn.edu. She tweets @marlese_lessing.