Thirsty Thursdays: Nick Miller’s beverage of choice

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Speak to me, Keaton!

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So, this week we decided to make old fashions, based only on our mutual love for Nick Miller from “New Girl.” We wanted to be that handsome bartender/writer, getting drunk as he works on his next segment of the “Pepperwood Chronicles.” But apparently, we are not Nick Miller. We’re not even Reagan.

For those who don’t know, old fashions are made of bourbon, bitters, orange twists, water and sugar cubes. According to experts, it will taste amazing if you use incredibly expensive, top-shelf ingredients. Due to our status as poor college students, we did not follow that advice. And the results were terrible. It was straight up icky.

“Okay, goal: Taste less, swallow more,” a Thirsty Thursday taste tester said.

Old fashions are made of bourbon, bitters, orange twists, water and sugar cubes. According to experts, it will taste amazing if you use incredibly expensive, top-shelf ingredients. We followed the directions, more or less, only to be faced with awful results. Photo courtesy of author.

We followed the directions, more or less, only to be faced with awful results. The bitters are — and this might sound dumb — shockingly bitter. The bourbon is nasty. And the sugarcube does nothing to combat the taste of its companions.

“I want this to be gone, but I don’t want to drink it,” a Thirsty Thursday taste tester said.

In order to consume the disgusting drink, we added orange juice, extra ice cubes and another sugarcube. The results were the same: waves of grossness.

“Everytime I drink it, I think it will be better than the last time,” a Thirsty Thursday taste tester said. “And every time I sip it, it’s fine for a second and then terrible.”

Our dreams of being Reagan, and producing Nick the perfect old fashion, are dashed. Instead, we are forced to take giant gulps of this nasty beverage, quickly followed by a healthy swig of cheap wine.

“I want to be tipsy, but I don’t want to go through the process of drinking this drink,” a Thirsty Thursday taste tester said.

Our dreams of being Reagan, and producing Nick the perfect old fashion, are dashed. Instead, we are forced to take giant gulps of this nasty beverage, quickly followed by a healthy swig of cheap wine. Photo courtesy of author.

If we were to recommend this to the nice 21-year-olds around campus, we would suggest only doing it if a horrific situation arises where they are surrounded by only Jim Beam, bitters, oranges, sugarcubes and nothing else. Otherwise, stick to fruity beverages, cheap wine, shots of vodka and tequila or water. It’s not worth the inebriation it instills on its consumers.

And yet, at only 11:53 p.m. on a Saturday night, its level of alcohol was enough to get us dancing to the “Yodeling Walmart Kid EDM Remix 10 HOUR VERSION.” While that doesn’t necessarily mean much, considering the group of taste testers assembled, it is semi-decent.

Aesthetic-wise, this drink is the classiest we will ever drink. It made us feel like businessmen stopping at a bar after a long day of working and being sexist. It would be a great accompaniment to either a Nick Miller or an “American Psycho” Halloween costume.

That being said, if you do decide to drink it, it pairs surprisingly well with a giant tub of Goldfish and a nightlong binge of “Pride and Prejudice” with Colin Firth.

Rating: 0.5/5

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