A Series of Unfortunate Events: “The Bachelor” update

Missed the last episode of The Bachelor, Daily Campus author Isabella Warren has you covered! Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.

*Spoiler alert* 

This episode kicked off with closing the MJ versus Jessenia drama, resulting in MJ going home. MJ and Jessenia were on a “two-on-one” date with our season’s Bachelor, Matt James. Matt James was cornered about the drama happening between the two women, so he decided to play investigator and speak to both MJ and Jessenia privately.  

Jessenia said MJ was lying about not being aware of any toxicity in the house, and MJ accused Jessenia of purposefully attempting to ruin her relationship with Matt.  

After insulting Jessenia on camera for the last hour, MJ’s story was hard to support. Although Matt claimed to have a close connection with both MJ and Jessenia, after two shots of him nervously pacing around what appeared to be a gothic library, he gave Jessenia a rose. Did they change the scenery? Everything was more “sparkly Barbie dreamhouse” last episode, and now they live in the “Knives Out” house, apparently.  

Matt assured MJ that his “connection with her was undeniable, from the first time they spoke,” but unfortunately, if he didn’t send her home, Twitter would call him racist again. A true tragedy.  

The sacred limo ride home, like a Viking funeral, involves contestants going out with a bang.  

MJ said, “I can’t believe she did this to me. She sabotaged me.”  

My good sis, you obviously sabotaged yourself by reliving the rush of your high school cafeteria bullying days. Cut to a clip of you telling Jessenia to stop talking, 30 minutes prior. 

Katie called MJ, “The last of the mean girl tribe,” which, as it turns out, was an incorrect statement.   

Katie informed Matt that several contestants on the show are knee-deep in mean girl antics and psychological warfare, prompting Matt to send Regina George and Co. home in the previous episode. Matt wanted to shut down any toxic behavior with a cleanup of the house, including Anna Redman, Victoria Larson and yes, MJ. As a result of these shocking allegations and as punishment, these ladies would be denied the evening’s cocktail party. The rose ceremony would start immediately after MJ was sent home. 

Serena C. had the inspired realization that if Katie just hadn’t mentioned the bullying in the house, then the ladies would have gotten more time with Matt. Somehow, this is Katie’s fault. She should just have shut up and let all the girls be mistreated.  

“What happened here tonight has nothing to do with me,” Katie rightfully said. “And yet, you had Serena C. coming at me.” 

So Katie — the beautiful angel, this season’s fan favorite and overall queen, was at fault? No. Katie will not be mistreated here, as she is my favorite contestant and the most genuine person on this season. Serena C., you were out of line.  

The drama begins to rest, with a brief, but cute one-on-one date with Pieper, and then a bowling alley group date. The Pink Petals and Blue Bombshells battled it out for the winning title. But as Matt reminded the girls, “This isn’t about finding the world’s best bowler.”  

In case you didn’t know, he’s trying to find a wife.  

Katie and Matt had a one-on-one date at a spa — wait scratch that, two-on-one date with his roommate and Katie. Tyler C., who was on Hannah Brown’s “Bachelorette” season, makes a special appearance for no apparent reason.  

Unfortunately, Matt didn’t see a future with Katie. Breaking her heart, as well as mine, she did not receive a rose at the end of their date. Pure devastation. If you’re reading this Katie, you’re too good for him. And also, we should be best friends.  

Matt finally seemed happy with the setup of the show, and continues to go about his business finding a wife.  

Kit even said, “I feel like the drama is over, and we can all just breathe.”  

So guess who showed up? 

Heather Martin, a past (romantic?) interest of Matt and a contestant on Colton Underwood’s season, decided to crash the cocktail party. She pulled up in a … white van and asked for Chris Harrison. 

I have to admit, the white van threw me off from the beginning, so I predict Heather will be a chaotic presence on “The Bachelor.”   

“Heather Martin?” a panicky security guard said. “What the f*** is she doing here?!” like Heather had escaped a coffin, Kill Bill-style. 

Rating: 1/5 Katie deserved better, peridot. I will be starting a petition to make her next year’s Bachelorette

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