In the Opinion section, we work through our beliefs completely and support them with great arguments. But sometimes, we don’t need a deeper reason to hold our convictions. Rapid Fire is for those tweet-length takes that can be explained in just a sentence or two — no more justification needed.
In this Rapid Fire, writers gave their opinions on the question, “If turkeys were wiped from the face of the Earth, what bird should we replace the Thanksgiving turkey with?”
Madeline Papcun, Opinion Editor: The easy answer here is Sam Eagle – sometimes known as Sam the Eagle, Sam the American Eagle, Sammy or Samuel – from the Muppets. Best known for his patriotism and discipline, I can’t think of a bird more fitting. I mean c’mon, don’t just leave it up to that one odd uncle out. Who couldn’t use more propaganda at the Thanksgiving table this year? Carving up Sam Eagle would do just that.
Nell Srinath, Associate Opinion Editor: Wings down, the answer is Big Bird of Sesame Street fame. A beloved figure by people around the country, young and old alike. As a true gift of gratitude for his timeless lessons, kind voice and unconditional companionship, let’s show Big Bird the greatest thanks we can: Carving him and eating him.
Harrison Raskin, Editor in Chief: I tried a pigeon in France, it’s quite good. Also, pigeons reflect the changing American imagination which has become thoroughly urban, no longer associated with the rural pre-industrial turkey. Ritualizing eating what is considered a pest may even prepare the American people to accept that they deserve less than they have.
Dan Stark, Opinion Contributor: The fact that you’re asking us to replace turkeys with another bird proves that The Daily Campus is a government weapon that’s being used to hide the truth that birds aren’t real. #wakeup
Owen Silverman, Weekly Columnist: Enough with the agony. We shall replace the annual Thanksgiving turkey with the person with the highest net worth each year. “Eat the rich” will champion a new meaning as families across the U.S. will embrace in their shared hatred for the uber-wealthy. Magret á la Musk? Braised Bezos? Hungry SJWs are already salivating as we speak – who says redistributing the wealth can’t be tasty?