Kids these days don’t typically turn to the local newspapers to source their pickup lines. In recent years, however, people have been tier-listing all sorts of items, from Weird Al songs with music videos to every Minecraft mob. In an effort to not kill the spirit of Cupid or land anyone in hot water, we’ll be tier-listing popular Valentine’s Day pickup lines, as opposed to disseminating them ourselves!
Rather than having an S-tier over the A through F tiers, the ultimate level will be the V tier for obvious reasons.
First and foremost, we have: “Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only 10 I see.” This one is a time-tested classic, and I’m certain that you can do no wrong with it. The American state “rizz” is sure to strike a chord in anyone who values those spacious skies and amber waves of grain. And then there’s the great state of Tennessee, whose magnificence can only be likened to that of your intended audience. While this line may be old — possibly as old as the nation itself — its “puniness” has a distinct ring to it and it deserves the B tier.
For our “STEMinist” kings and queens out there, we’ve got the following: “Are you opposite over hypotenuse? Cos you are making me Sin.” This one is sure to scream “intellectual” and “cerebral,” to the lucky guy or girl that hears it. For the engineers and computer scientists in the audience, this is your time to shine. Few people think of the trigonometric function “Sin” as being risqué, but it couldn’t be more suitable for use as a double entendre. However, beware — this one could certainly be a swing and a miss. Careful calculations are required to ensure that this line doesn’t land upon the wrong ears —like a history major with a head full of triangles that may leave them spinning in circles. While it’s certainly whitty, the risk that this line poses will earn it a spot in the C tier.
On the flip side, for our humanities majors, boy do we have the line for you: “I’m learning about important dates in history … Do you want to be one of them?” Likening the Declaration of Independence, Emancipation Proclamation and conclusion of WWII to your soon-to-be date is a bold move — one that potential partners are sure to appreciate. It’s smooth and seamless, all while letting the listener know that you’re just as involved in the social sciences as you are in the social scene. Let’s just hope you don’t already have history together or this might end in another date for the books: the beginning of World War Three! Definitely B tier material.
If your academic interests aren’t included in either of the previous lines, perhaps your athleticism might be featured in this one: “You must be tired, ‘cause you’ve been running through my mind all night.” Letting the desperation show might just be the way to go if this pickup line is your last resort — not that it should be, by any means. Just about every sport requires some type of running. Whether it’s football, soccer, softball or cross country, this line is sure to remind them of their favorite (or least favorite) part of the game. Let’s just hope your person of interest isn’t a swimmer! The only con to this line is the image of your sweat-soaked love interest as they run through the signals of your nervous system. Perhaps there were better sports we could have chosen for this line: C tier for sure.
Fruity pickup lines are the best, and we’ve got something in that department today: “Want a raisin? No? Well how about a date?” “Quirky” and “insightful” are the only ways to describe this line. It isn’t too dry and demonstrates that you’re a person of taste — both in fruit and people. It’s been said (by me) that no two raisins are alike, and this pickup line conveys that individuality of your soon-to-be date. The only difference between the fruit, and the outing? Yours will have a seed if this pickup line has anything to do with it! Honestly, V-tier material.
Regardless of your choice this Valentine’s day, good luck! After all, those lines aren’t going to pick themselves!