On Monday, April 15, the University of Connecticut’s Asian American Cultural Center, Pan-Asian Council and Women’s Center’s Violence Against Women Prevention Program collaborated to hold a workshop on healthy versus unhealthy relationships.
Katie Holmes and Nala Davis, Violence Against Women Prevention Program ambassadors with the UConn Women’s Center, began the workshop by establishing some rules: the Vegas rule, where “what is said in here, stays in here,” a rule where people are encouraged to support and be respectful to each other and the facilitators and a self-care rule where people are encouraged to step out of the room if they need to take a break.
“It is important to be in a partnership that promotes individuality and equality, but we know that is not always the case.”
UConn Women’s Center, Violence Against Women Prevention Program
An introduction slide said, “It is important to be in a partnership that promotes individuality and equality, but we know that is not always the case.” There was also a list taken from the film “One Love” which highlighted ten healthy signs and ten unhealthy signs in relationships.
The audience then wrote sticky notes of green, yellow and red flags in relationships, which represented good, mixed and bad factors. They then stuck the notes on their respective pieces of paper.
Holmes and Davis addressed the green flags first. When asking the audience how good communication could benefit people, Holmes agreed with an audience member who said being a good listener and not only a good speaker was a benefactor in a relationship.
Moving onto red flags, when asked to define “controlling,” audience members said that being controlling means “trying to make them feel bad and isolating them from friends” and “if you’re in a relationship and they put you in a box of what they want you to be,” your autonomy is compromised. The audience also addressed gaslighting and manipulation. One audience member explained that gaslighting occurs when people trick others into thinking something that opposes reality.
“There’s constructive criticism and then there’s overly critical behavior.”
Audience Member
Yellow flags depend on the perspective. An audience member said, “There’s constructive criticism and then there’s overly critical behavior.” Holmes then replied, “Sometimes some things can start as green flags, then shift to yellow and then shift to red.”
The next subject Holmes and Davis addressed was love languages, which they defined as five main types: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
“I think that knowing your partner’s love language is a way to know them.”
Katie Holmes, Violence Against Women Prevention Program ambassador
“I think that knowing your partner’s love language is a way to know them,” Holmes said. Those in the room agreed that it’s important to communicate love languages with the other party and that love languages can change over time. An audience member said that people technically use all love languages but prefer some over others.
The conversation then shifted to attachment styles, pointing out the theory of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. The latter is a mix of the anxious and avoidant styles.
The audience was offered a hypothetical scenario of a partner who grows jealous when their significant other hangs out with other people. Someone recommended a conversation about possessiveness and to gauge if the relationship should continue based on the partner’s response. The ambassadors discourage calling out the toxic behavior outright especially if it’s a long-term relationship due to how defensive the person may be. It depends on the relationship, length of the relationship and the level of safety between the people involved if you should intervene or learn more about the relationship. The ambassadors recommended easing them into pointing out the flaws of the relationship instead.
Juanito Briones, a Pan-Asian Council coordinator, pointed the audience to future events such as a conversation on the Asian-American experience in digital media and design career paths following the workshop, the third annual Eid celebration at the Student Union in room 304 on April 17, the Japanese Student Association’s Sakura Matsuri from 3 p.m. to 8 p.m. in the Student Union ballroom on April 19 and Husky Hungama’s final performance of the year on April 21 at St. Mark’s Episcopal Chapel.
There will also be a Sexual Health Symposium on April 17 from 4:30 p.m. to 6 p.m. at the Women’s Center. On April 22, there will be a workshop on consent in pop culture at the Women’s Center from 4 p.m. to 5:30 p.m.
The workshop ended with a reminder that your safety and well-being are your top priority.