On Sept. 10, 2024, the Lavender Resilience Collective, the brainchild of the University of Connecticut’s Student Health and Wellness and Rainbow Center, held the first of multiple virtual seminars of the semester between September and October about the intersection between queerness, transness and internalized bias and overcoming that struggle.
At the beginning of the call, Health Education Specialist Nishelli Ahmed and Certified Sexuality Educator Joleen Nevers established group agreements including confidentiality, active listening, using “I” statements, being vulnerable with others in the space and being comfortable with silence. “We do a lot of hard work quietly,” Nevers said, referring to how processing information is a steady and time-consuming process that should be embraced instead of expedited. The health educators were willing to give the participants as much time as they needed to process and communicate about the subject material.
The topic of the call was unpacking the process of coming out as queer or transgender. A slide dedicated to this topic was displayed with the stages of opening up to yourself, coming out and living openly. “Coming out is a continuous process,” Nevers elaborated. “Nobody has to come out as straight, right?” Nevers added on, segueing into watching three videos where queer and transgender people say the type of intrusive and offensive things some people who don’t apply to those identities have said in the past.
The crux of the meeting was the reflection questions Ahmed and Nevers asked the participants. First, they asked what the event participants thought of the videos shown and then had them elaborate on their feelings.
The next reflection prompt was: “Reflect on a time when you didn’t get the support you wanted or you were asked a question you weren’t ready to respond to in regards to your gender identity and expression and/or your sexual orientation.” Participants shared their responses and received feedback from Ahmed and Nevers in terms of knowing what the affected individual can do to ease the pain from the lack of care, including setting boundaries. Accepting selfishness as a necessary part of self-betterment and rejecting the stigma behind it was a key theme in the discussion. “Is it really selfish to be happy and safe?” Nevers asked. “There’s vulnerability in depending on people,” Nevers added after the conversation moved to the topic of balancing independence and dependence.
The next reflection prompt was: “Imagine someone you love coming out to you. What would you say to appreciate their identity and encourage them?” The participants theorized what that would look like, emphasizing the importance of not overwhelming the person coming out.
Focusing the conversation back on the self, Ahmed then asked, “Think about your own gender and sexual orientation identities: What would you say you appreciate about yours?” Ahmed added, “This is a true challenge because we’re not used to thinking about ourselves.” Both educators attempted to get the participants to think about themselves like those they care about, instead of someone they hate according to the sequence of the questions. “Unlearning is a forever journey,” Nevers said.
The atmosphere of the call was very relaxed and calming; both educators made it abundantly clear that this was a safe space to express yourself. The participants opened up about their hardships and were met with support. Nevers told the participants, “We do not want to judge. We want to learn.”
The Lavender Resilience Collective will meet six times total, including three times in September and three more times in October. Each meeting will cover subject matters beyond coming out, such as body image and challenging microaggressions.
The Lavender Resilience Collective program can be a tremendous support for queer and transgender students, especially those struggling with mental health. Having a space to dissect how negative feedback from gender and sexual expression can become internalized is so important. The fact that this is a free resource for UConn students who are queer, transgender or both is wonderful, and more people should take advantage of this opportunity.