I am the oldest of four cousins on my mother’s side and I am the only one not in a relationship. The joke never gets old around the dinner table, with everyone wondering when I will show up with someone.
The truth is, I have very little desire to get into a relationship soon. I’m 19 and just recently found my calling in journalism. Just last semester, I was majoring in Physiology and Neurobiology on the pre-med track. I have revelations every day about how I want to live my life and the kind of person I want to be. Why on earth would I add someone else to this mess?
Staying single in my teenage years meant I had plenty of time to observe my friends in relationships. I’m a big believer that boyfriends and girlfriends should only add to your social life, not take away. Yet, more often than not, plans were canceled and parties were ditched, all because “my boyfriend/girlfriend said no.” So much of your life is already controlled when you’re 15 years old, so why are you letting prepubescent Brian tell you to wear something else? To not go somewhere with your friends? Even if you want to argue that your partner doesn’t control you, you are still making essential decisions about your personality during this time and unconsciously considering how your partner would feel. This empathy makes you a good person, but it also prevents you from focusing on yourself, which is vital for this period of soul-searching.
While I have mentioned dating in adolescence specifically to be bad, I would argue that serious dating in your 20s is even worse. And notice I said serious, not the casual here and there.
During your teenage years, you are trying to figure out what television shows you like and which after-school activities you enjoy, but from 19 well into your 20s, you are trying to align your political views, religious beliefs and what kind of person you want to be. This is an exponential increase in the seriousness of self-discovery. There are so many layers of you that you won’t even know until you reach your early 30s. You can never explore peeling those layers if you are constantly considering someone else.
The limitations of dating in your 20s can be best illustrated through a comparison to spin class. I recently went to a spin class with my friend Taylor. I had taken several spin classes before this one, so I knew what to expect, but a couple things rubbed me the wrong way in the duration of the class. First, the instructor failed to turn off the lights and set the mood. Two, his playlist was all over the place, ranging from recent pop hits to only-good-on-TikTok songs to 2010’s gems I did not particularly love. The third and final thing I hated was that the routine did not match the flow of the songs, rising when the beat drops and flat roading on the slower parts. For 55 minutes straight, I was bored out of my mind. Yet as soon as we walked out of the class, Taylor told me she had so much fun. Not wanting to burst her bubble with my pessimism, I simply asked if this was her first spin class, to which she replied yes.
There is only so much self-discovery you can experience when you are stuck on one thing. Because of my experience with different instructors, class playlists and cycle routines, I measure my liking of that specific class on a level that Taylor, who had never attended another class, did not. This is not to say Taylor’s experience sucked; she would probably be happy if every spin class she attends in the future was exactly like that one because she had fun. Yet her fun is reliant on the fact that she didn’t know the lights could turn off, that the music could be better, and that the instructor could have orchestrated a better routine. She had fun because, without something else to compare it to, that class was to her liking.
I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend of six years. If that’s the only spin class you’ve ever taken and you happened to enjoy it, may you be satisfied already. I’m simply saying that if you are single already, you should not rush into something because you are scared to miss out. Your 20s are essential in your development as a person, and every year is a new spin class that will help you a little more in narrowing down your likes and dislikes.
In other words, you should be at the club to find out if clubs are your thing or not. You should be traveling to new places in hopes of finding your forever home. You should be running or cycling or weightlifting and figuring out ways you like to stay active. Kiss a hundred people to know when you’re kissing the right one. Change your hair a million times. Go to the opera or ballet. Hate it, if you do. Find your favorite small business frozen yogurt to indulge in. Go to bed at six in the morning and wake up not knowing what happened the night before. You should be making totally awful decisions that you’ll most certainly regret.
Your 20s are about you! This is the time to be selfish and to live carelessly—to set your soul up for the rest of your life. You can’t explore all opportunities if you’re constantly considering someone else. This is the hill I’ll die on.