When I try to explain today’s dating culture to my parents and family members, they are left bewildered at the different labels and subtle meanings behind them. They can’t seem to nail down the difference between two people who are “talking” versus two people in a “situationship” or two people who are “dating.” Does the difference lie in exclusivity, emotional attachment or just in the label? Do we as young people even fully understand the difference?
For many adults and even people my age, the dating scene and all its attached labels can seem too much. It seems like a new label comes up on TikTok daily to describe a different relationship niche. Dating traditionalists may say that these labels are creating more opportunity for emotional detachment, infidelity and the “gamification” of relationships. If it’s just a situationship, you can’t cheat. If you are just talking, then you can’t get attached. Labels like these remove all responsibility from the dating scene.
While it is easy to criticize these added complexities, most fail to recognize that Generation Z has managed to accurately describe every dating phenomenon and with that, they bring people meaning, recognition and an opportunity to learn about themselves and their relationships, without feeling locked down or suffocated. Maybe removing the responsibility is just what we need.
Handled responsibly, situationships are one of the best innovations to come out of the dating scene for young people. Somewhere between lovers and friends, a situationship is an informal and undefined romantic relationship, lacking exclusivity and rules. Because situationships lack the standard pressures and issues that come with a deeply committed relationship, they open up a world of learning and growth unconstrained by the demands of the other person.
People in situationships can still go out to the club without guilt. They can explore other options and figure out what personality traits they want to see in a potential partner and in themself. They can reap the benefits of a romantic relationship without feeling weighed down, especially in the college life-stage in which things change quickly.
Now this is not to say that situationships are impersonal and people should be inconsiderate of their counterparts. On the contrary, good situationships are built on honesty and communication with the other person. When two people decide to be in a situationship, they still agree to be in a romantic relationship, they are simply also agreeing to not take it too seriously. They agree to be nonchalant about it, if you will.
In this case, nonchalance is not about being careless. It is actually a representation of emotional maturity. By leaving behind the pressure to define the relationship, you leave more room to learn about each other and foster a deeper connection. There is less pressure to be liked and more of an opportunity to be honest. This could ultimately lead to a happier and healthier official relationship, if it heads in that direction. If it doesn’t, then consider it time and energy saved.
On that note, the nonchalance should extend to the presence of the situationship in your broader life. Because you aren’t in a defined relationship, you are saving yourself a lot of emotional turmoil and change if it doesn’t end well. When people enter committed partnerships, those partnerships seep into every aspect of their life. This can be dangerous and completely upend someone’s life if they break up, a phenomenon we often see after a long-term relationship. In a nonchalant situationship, this risk is not there. You can let the situationship affect your life as little or as much as you want. This is not detachment. You still care about the other person. It is the choice to prioritize your peace and protect yourself while you figure out what you are looking for and enjoy the company of another person.
With all of this being said, I feel it is important to note that I do not think that situationships should replace exclusive and committed relationships. Rather, I think that situationships can be good steppingstones to get there. However, they are only worth your time if you are honest with the other person and with yourself. If you start to long for commitment, communicate those feelings as soon as possible. More importantly, if you know you can’t handle a situationship, do not engage in one. If you are simply playing the situationship game and attempting to manipulate someone into commitment, I promise that you will not win. Situationships are not games. They are real connections, and they shouldn’t be stigmatized because of other people’s poor decisions. There is no shame in exploring a romantic connection without commitment. True shame comes from blaming hurt feelings on situationships, when we should be blaming those who engage in them carelessly, dishonestly and with a lack of self-awareness.