Remember that thing you pretended to be interested in when you liked her? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Or how you found his “First Day of School” photos on his mom’s Facebook page, just after learning his name? (Gotta say though, that takes skills). Rather than sticking with hypotheticals, we’re going to hear some real-life examples from fellow University of Connecticut students who, for the sake of privacy, have been given fake names: Blair, Serena and Christian.
If you tend to stalk the people you like, don’t worry, because you’re not alone in this — Blair found the political party of her crush’s parents. She also compared herself to a penguin with pebbles, because when she develops a crush the baking and crafting really escalate, so that way she has things to give them.
Serena, on the other hand, is typically more possessive of her crushes, and likes to plant small things into the air while they’re around so it may spark a conversation with them. With Christian though, it seemed a little less elaborate. He said he used to try and be around his crushes so their personality can rub off on him, but now, he says he likes to reach out to his crush if he finds something interesting going on.
Now these behaviors may sound, and are, excessive. But when you have a crush, these are necessary strides. Why do we do it though? And if we’re so confident and determined in private, why do the butterflies get us all mixed up in-person?
This is all thanks to limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979. Limerence is defined as an intense and involuntary infatuation or romantic interest in someone whose interest is unclear. Limerence is also sometimes accompanied by intrusive thoughts, which explains why some may feel compelled to do things like the aformentioned. This can lead us to make potentially rash decisions, read into small interactions and come up with fantasies, which may be fun and exhilarating to us in the moment, but often become embarrassing after the high ends.
Now, what we’ve discussed so far is the excitement and joy that may come when we have a crush. What about the stress and confusion? Having a crush releases dopamineand makes us feel happy, which is what we associate this person with. We place them on a pedestal, telling ourselves that they can do no wrong. But while all of this is happening, these fantasies and interactions are causing us to stress and lose sight of other things in our lives that are important. As Emma Chamberlain says in her podcast“Anything Goes,” “having a crush is fun, but it’s also kind of a nightmare because you’re in this sort of purgatory.”
Crushes can end in a few different ways. You can be one of the lucky ones, confess your feelings and they reciprocate, or you can be an unlucky one who still confesses but gets turned down. But there’s also a sort of limbo, where some of us decide to not say anything, either hoping they still reciprocate and ask us, or maybe just because we like looking at them.
However, an important question still remains: Do we NEED to get over our crush right away when we’re turned down? If so, how? The short answer is no. We can’t turn off a crush. Like previously stated, limerence is a state of involuntary infatuation, so when we lose interest in our crush isn’t up to us.
How long it takes to get over our crush depends on a few things, but it also differs from person to person. Christian says for him, it depends on how long he’s liked this person. Blair on the other hand, moves on quickly, living with the mentality that “you don’t have to like me.” Serena noted her crushes don’t go away until she has another one, or it naturally fades.
Now, while we can’t control exactly when a crush goes away, there are a few strategies that can help us get over them. You can distance yourself from them, which will help replace them in your mind with other things. You can try knocking down that pedestal you have them on, because there’s no way you like everything about them. Some finda rebound crush. Everyone has their own way.
However, I hope everyone gets their way and feelings are reciprocated. But be careful: You may still be looking through those rose-colored lenses.