I like to think I’m a girls’ girl. Younger girls on public transportation flock to me like ducklings, and I’ll glare at anyone who looks their way. If someone’s been left alone by her friends on a night out, I’ll make sure she has a way home. I’ve body-checked men for standing too close to girls I’d known for mere hours. I support women’s rights and wrongs, which is exactly why I’ll never accept hatred towards the so-called “pick me girl.”
The pick me girl spirit consistently manifests in a constant search for male validation. She’s the girl who can’t help stealing other women’s boyfriends, because “it’s not her fault she’s not like other girls.” Media portrayals of the pick me girl tend to fall under the “cool girl” archetype. Notably discussed in the iconic “Gone Girl” monologue, a “cool girl” plays video games, fixes old cars and doesn’t need female friends because she’s “one of the guys.”
The pick me girl seems to be a unifying target: Women can hate her because she puts us down and men have a free ticket to making misogynistic jokes without criticism. Regardless, I will continue to go to war for the “annoying girl,” the tomboy, the girl who seeks male validation.
It’s important to note that women with stereotypically masculine interests and hobbies aren’t inherently inauthentic. Not everyone who listens to ‘90s rock or fixes cars does so performatively; associating certain hobbies with a focus on male attention is a harsh generalization. Concern against women veering into masculine interests is hardly a novel concept. Mary Wollstonecraft speaks to this in “A Vindication of the Rights of Woman,” notably in support of traits that would seem attention-seeking today:
“If it be against the attainment of [manly] talents and virtues, the exercise of which ennobles the human character, and which raise females in the scale of animal being, when they are comprehensively termed mankind; all those who view them with a philosophic eye must… wish with me that they may every day grow more and more masculine.”
In other words: preventing women from exploring pursuits traditionally reserved for men (hunting, politics, the like) actively restricts our advancements in society. Berating women with traditionally masculine hobbies emphasizes traditionally separated gender roles, which is entirely unproductive. An interest in video games or mechanical engineering is hardly an indicator of one’s personality.
Sometimes, though, the pick me girl is just that: a woman who craves validation. Even in these cases, hatred is the wrong course of action. A pick me girl hates other women because the patriarchy convinces her she should. Isolated women are easier to control, which leads me to believe that genuine pick me girls are the most deserving of empathy, kindness and community. Providing a safe space is the first step to helping the pick me girl break out of her patriarchal ideals. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff puts it wonderfully: “Modern society has heavily influenced the ubiquitous experience of the desire to be picked. We can help others break out of it by reminding them of their own value outside of the men they attach to.” Wanting to be picked and loved is an integral part of the human experience. Recognizing that want in other people doesn’t have to be a bad thing — we can use it as an opportunity to extend our own kindness.
At its core, the criticism against pick me girls is pure hypocrisy. Loathing pick me girls for not supporting other women seems reasonable until you realize that you are not exempt; your own loathing comes at the expense of other women. We’re too caught up in proving ourselves morally superior to realize the degree to which we’re at war with each other. Male validation is not a necessary component for survival, nor is it a path to a better future. At the end of the day, it’s not the pick me girl that’s your antithesis; it’s the patriarchy.