To whom it may concern:
My name is Stephen Winchell, and ten years ago I graduated from the University of Connecticut (CLAS, 08). I want to take this opportunity to let all the incoming Huskies know that you have found a very special place. In the decade since I left UConn, UConn has never left me. There are so many great places to go and things to do both on and off campus, and, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to share with you some of my favorites.
Please make time to see a sunrise on Horsebarn Hill. If you can, take a course with Classics professor Roger Travis. The best view of campus is from the top of the hill in New Storrs Cemetery. Should you find yourself hungover on Saturday morning (if you’re over 21, that is!), then some tasty diner food from the nearby River and Rail Cafe will surely hit the spot. And finally, in my experience, the best dorms are West, hands down.
Located in the heart of campus, West is the epitome of the university. It’s rustic, simple, and strong. Unencumbered by unnecessary bells & whistles, West is but a stone’s throw away from some of UConn’s most important buildings. Gampel Pavilion, the UConn Bookstore, and the Homer Babbidge Library can all proudly call West their neighbor. When you live in West, you want for nothing.
What you might not know, young freshmen, is that the alumni who lived in dreaded Towers will stop at nothing to smear the good name of West. Towers, which festers under the hazy stink of cow dung. Towers, which keeps itself at arm’s length from the university. Towers, where the privileged few sneer down at the rest of UConn. For decades, these twisted souls have taken a weird, perverse pleasure in slandering West. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. When you visit West, do so with open eyes and an open heart. Do not fall for the bitter lies of the pathetic prigs on top of the hill.
Your life is about to change, young Huskies. Enjoy every moment you have in this special place. Take it all in — except for Towers. Avoid those cursed dorms at all costs.
Thank you for your time,