Sometimes I refer to myself as just a ball of anxiety, because honestly sometimes I feel like no matter what is going on that is just what my entire being is, just a ton of nervous energy. Even when I’m happy that does not mean the anxiety goes away, it just makes it seem more exciting rather than completely overwhelming.
Because I’m doing better than I was, aren’t I? I think I am. I’m happy, so does it matter if I really go out much or talk to people much? Sure, I can have a conversation with someone — if they talk to me first — and if it’s just one person and not multiple people. If I’m in a room with multiple people — and the only reason I really do that is if I have to — I’m fine to talk to people when they talk to me, but afterwards, once I get out of that situation, I question Every. Single. Social interaction. I had in that room. Not even social interaction, just being there, just how I acted and how people could judge me. But I still do it, I’m still there, I still go, so that’s good right? Because I am doing it, so what if I freak out after?
And I am proud of myself. When I actually have a conversation with someone and it’s like, wow, that wasn’t so terrifying. I am proud of myself. For getting out of my room and going to these places where there’s really amazing things happening but where there’s also people, just multiple people, many people, more than one person.
It’s not my room, so it doesn’t feel completely safe. But I do go out, sometimes, when I want to, or when I have to, when I have a commitment. Besides for when things happen around a commitment, things don’t really happen too much. I made a commitment to this thing? Okay, I’ll go. But, if it’s just for fun, if it’s just to be social, if there’s multiple people in a group? Why am I going to leave the safety of my room where I can watch netflix and read and try to get any work I may have at this point or any point in the future done?
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