If we’re lucky in the Opinion section, we work through our beliefs completely and support them with great arguments. But sometimes, we don’t need a deeper reason to hold our convictions. Rapid Fire is for those tweet-length takes that can be explained in just a sentence or two — no more justification needed.
In this Rapid Fire, writers gave their opinions on the question: If March Madness wasn’t about basketball, what would it be about?
Madeline Papcun,
Opinion Editor:
I know, I know, it’s my answer for everything, but c’mon, muppet.fandom.com estimates there are over 3,400 Muppet characters across Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, The Muppet Show and other Muppet productions. We could certainly make a bracket of 60-something of them and eventually end up with a winner. We could even pick winners by how I picked my actual March Madness bracket — based on vibes entirely.
Nell Srinath,
Associate Opinion Editor:
One of the questions constantly plaguing my mind is which “The Simpsons” character is most memorable in the minds of the general public. How do eccentric recurring personalities like Sideshow Bob measure up to series patriarch Homer? Call it, if you will, Marge Madness.
Owen Silverman,
Weekly Columnist:
OK hear me out on this one; we secretly infect two U.S. politicians with Mad Cow Disease on the first of March each year. Rather than betting on college basketball, we create brackets in which we see which politician comes off as more sane than their opponent — based purely on symptoms including slurred speech, loss of intellect and changes in personality. Unfortunately for most Democrats, they’d be fighting an upward battle against the right’s Dream Team of Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, Marjorie Taylor-Greene and George Santos — absolute ringers for throwing off viewers from the real infectee. This, my friends, would be true March Madness.
Dan Stark,
Weekly Columnist:
Make it a fighting tournament featuring all the niche UConn celebrities. A fight between UConn Spider-Man and Soop Doop would get more views than the Super Bowl.
Harrison Raskin,
Editor-in-Chief:
Prodigy Future’s 2015 masterpiece single. The song name takes inspiration from the same place but I think we all know which is more important.
Sam Zelin,
Managing Editor:
This is something I’ve actually been interested in putting on — what if The Daily Campus held a production tournament! Employees and non-employees alike could compete for who can copy edit the best, or who can design stories better.
