Why do most Valentine’s Day candies suck?

Why do most Valentine’s Day candies suck? Even so, let’s look at some of the most popular kinds and crown the best one! Illustration by Kaitlyn Tran/The Daily Campus

I don’t know about you, but I would rather make a stockpile of Halloween candy to use for Valentine’s Day than have the rubbish that’s out in stores now. But maybe that’s a bit of a harsh observation; let’s look at some of the most popular kinds and crown the best one!

Before we begin, this is obviously objective, totally factual and not my opinion in the slightest. Jokes aside, do not take these reviews as recommendations or warnings. Rather, try each candy for yourself to make up your own mind! Let’s get into it.

Contestant #1: Chocolate boxes

A classic, unmistakable icon of Valentine’s Day: the heart shaped box of chocolates. Honestly, these are very lovely. The packaging makes it feel like opening a gift, and the chocolates can be delicious and unique, as seen in this review of some of the best options out there.

However, the greatest plus of these boxes is also their major flaw: unpredictability. 

Reach into the box and you may get the best, most delectable chocolate delight of your life — or you’ll end up with some nonsense, jam-filled white chocolate. It’s a chocolatey Russian roulette.

So you have the box, with some clearly unpleasant looking chocolates in there, and now what do you do with it? You’ll feel guilty throwing them out, but boy, they sure aren’t going anywhere near your digestive system. If you were the owner of Russell Stover Chocolates — one of the main distributors of chocolate boxes — you’d resell it. That’s right, “Ash” on Amazon reviewed a 2-ounce Russel Stover chocolate box, only to find it was all white chocolate instead of a mix. Oh wait, I’m mistaken. The white was just because the chocolates were “bloomed” with mold and several months past their expiration date. Yikes.

Rating: 5/10
You never know what you’re going to get.

Contestant #2: Hershey’s Kisses

Who doesn’t love a bite-sized milk chocolate treat? You? Well, go read another article. Just kidding of course, please stay. But did you know Hershey’s also has dark chocolate Kisses too? These individually wrapped, iconic chocolates are certainly a nice Valentine’s candy to give or receive — or to just buy for yourself so you can eat the whole bag. 

While Kisses are tasty and fun to open, they aren’t free from criticism; especially the absolutely terrifying carrot cake Hershey’s Kisses introduced in 2016. Thank goodness those are far from shelves until April.

Rating: 7/10
Predictably delightful.

Contestant #3: Edible Arrangements/Chocolate-covered fruits

I admit, this is a broad category to lump together. Some people love chocolate-covered strawberries, but shiver at the thought of chocolate-covered pineapple on a stick. While this is totally understandable, I think for most individuals, the sweetness of the fruit is only enhanced by the sweetness or bitterness of the chocolate. 

However, to avoid the Russian roulette conundrum of chocolate boxes, I suggest straying away from premade, boxed fruits. If you’re able, why not start a small fruit garden or make the treat yourself? If you put in the effort to grow or buy the fruit and melt chocolate to dip it in, I’m sure your Valentine will be more than impressed! Plus, it could be a great date idea!

Rating: 7.3/10
Almost too much sugar, but not quite.

Contestant #4: Valentine’s Day goodie bag speed round

Do you remember in early childhood when kids declared their love of sugar by giving little gift bags of chocolates to one another? Usually sold in big boxes to make parents’ lives easier, let’s breeze through the common inclusions of this Valentine’s Day loot box.

Kit Kats: A solid, very fun candy. Snapping them is easily their defining characteristic — something that doesn’t get old even after splurging on several bags of them. Rating: 6/10

Heart-shaped lollipops: Have you ever actually finished one of these? They’re great, but get everything sticky and are often not very tasty. Rating: 4/10

Smarties: Perhaps the most divisive on this list so far. Ask your Valentine if they like these before you think of gifting them; unless you don’t want a Valentine next year. They aren’t especially interesting. Rating: 4.5/10

Chocolate-covered pretzels: These are delicious. Whether you get them covered in strawberry, milk or white chocolate, the little pretzels are easy to eat and share. If you disagree because you “don’t like pretzels,” then go try these. They will no doubt change your life. Rating: 9/10

Average goodie bag rating: 5.87/10. 
Decent, but they only exist to line corporate pockets and give parents a break.

Contestant #5: Candy hearts/Conversation hearts/Sweethearts

These are utterly nasty, horrendous candies. Okay, I know that is a bold claim to make. But seriously, does anyone eat these sugary chunks of chalk out of enjoyment? Certainly not me. True, they have cute little phrases, such as “be mine” or “E-mail me” (yes that really is one), but these sweet nothings mean nothing when you have to eat a piece of candy that tastes like gnawing on cobblestone.

I hope you sensible UConn students will back me up in this cause. However, if you’re a madman it’s possible to find these candies with rather rude comments instead of the usual “I love you,” so purchase them at your own risk.

Rating: 0/10. 
If your Valentine gifts you these, run. 

And with that rather low point of an ending, the Valentine’s Day candy review comes to an end. So many candies from this holiday are pretty lame, but be sure to stick with Hershey’s Kisses or chocolate-covered fruit/pretzels if you’re out shopping! Have a lovely Valentine’s Day!

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